Becoming Brave
No. 4
The Interview
My mom and I spent a lot of time on DreamHorse. If you aren't familiar with that website... man, you're just missing out. A twelve year old's dream. And, at twelve years old, I was doing a lot of dreaming. Already at my full height of 5'10" and a total cowgirl wanna-be, my dreams revolved around getting a horse, getting to play with my neighbor every day, going to Africa someday and fast forwarding to when l I turned 18 -- because obviously I'd be married by then, right?? *(WRONG. But I would go to Africa at least ;) )* I couldn't get my mom to let my friend come over every single day (which I still can't fathom... sarcasm...) and I couldn't help how slow time seemed to be going by the fact it had only been 160 days and I was still only twelve.
But.
We had the cows. We had the farm. The cowgirl part was do-able. This girl needed a horse. And I think I had finally convinced my Dad I was ready. ... At least we were casually looking.
Until we weren't so "casual" anymore.
I remember riding in the car, my Mom explaining, "We very likely will not get this horse. People don't usually settle on the first one they see." I nodded, fully expecting to give him a test ride and walk away unattached.
Silly girls.
His name was Bart. Barty-J. The ugliest name I'd ever heard. He was no dapple grey like I'd prayed for. But there was something about him that made me smile. He lived in a barn that was nicer than my house. Granite counters, crystal chandeliers and leather couches graced the barn aisle. There was no way we were walking away with this horse.
They stuck an English saddle on him to my dismay. But I blew the bangs out of my face, put on my big girl pants and mounted up. Really far up. Dang he was tall.
I'm not going to lie - the trainer trying to give me a lesson in 3rd Level Dressage was hilarious. She was slightly dismayed that I was being considered for this prized horse. It was really an interview of me, not the other way around.
I rode a good long while, and the longer I was on the more I liked him. He was sweet, strong, responsive and... we clicked. I can't explain it better than that. He wasn't at all what I thought I'd wanted... but my first taste of potential love and I was all over it. It didn't take long; once I made up my mind on what was and was not important (i.e. color), I was pretty sunk.
I dismounted and spoke to him softly in the barn aisle while the adults chatted. A short, stout, cheery woman approached me. "He's sweet, isn't he?" she mused.
I nodded. "I've always prayed for a horse like him. Except I thought I wanted a dapple grey." I laughed and gazed up at him. "That doesn't seem to matter anymore."
"He used to be a dapple," she patted his neck. "Grey's turn white as they get older."
Bart and I stood there a while, just side by side. And as the cloudy Oregon day turned to misty rainfall I worried. I had no fancy barn. I ran barrels - at a trot nonetheless because I was too scared to go faster. I knew nothing about dressage. He was so sweet and wonderful and everything I needed... What if I wasn't good enough?
If I am honest, that is a question I have struggled with all my life.
What if I'm not... good enough? What if I'm not good enough for the soccer team. What if I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do at my job. What if a guy never likes me. What if I'm not a good enough person, what then? What if I made God mad or disappoint Him?
Maybe I can't address all of those. Maybe I can. You can start to be good for the soccer team by trying. And maybe you stumble, but don't you dare not try at all. You don't have to do perfect at work, just be kind and do your very best. You are not living to please people. Want to know why? Because God's opinion of you and me is infinitely more important than what other people, the mirror, your family *insert whichever noun applies* have to say. That's just noise and static. He holds a song. It does us well to remember truth when our worth is on mock trail: He is faithful even when I am not. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Romans 5:8. That means when I was His enemy He loved me so much He gave everything - He gave Himself - so I could be with Him. That kind of love is amazing. That kind of love will not waver. That kind of love promises to be with me. That kind of love has surrounded me through fire. So am I good enough for God? He has bought me at a most precious price. He has made me something entirely new. No one deserves it or earns it on merit. His love is given and received. If He died for me when I was against Him, how shall He hold me when I cling to Him and love Him so?
I say this because I want to add value to your life and I want to be real. And also because on this rainy day God had other plans. I had no fancy barn, no fancy tack, no expensive horse trailer or trainer imported from Europe. No chandeliers graced my barn and I would be cleaning up after and grooming my own horse.
And as it turns out... just being me was enough.
Needless to say all this time I had no idea I'd been speaking to the owner.
Maybe I didn't need stuff that glittered and shone. I had something else that did. Turns out that because I loved and trusted Jesus... Well:
When she found out I was a Christian this was literally her response, "This little girl is going to have him. It is from God, I just know it." She set the price that we could afford and my head was spinning - I was going to have my own horse.
You can't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor. He gave me my dapple. He was dappled when I prayed for him. I was never specific in mentioning he needed to stay that way ;).
And spoiler: I will be/have been loving and growing with him ever since.
And will continue to for the rest of our time.
Thanks for sharing your stories 😘