Becoming Brave
No. 7
Scars
I waited until after the surgery to see him. Slinking into the extremely clean, white stall his sad, droopy head hung low. "Hey, Buddy," I tried to be chipper. He perked up a little.
"Hey there. You're going to be alright now," I say softly, running my hand gently up his neck.
My eyes slowly creep up over his back to the raw, pink wound. A strange white thing was tied through it like a drainage tube (it was a drainage tube). He looked in pretty sad shape.
"It was the size of a small melon," they had said, "We're very lucky to have caught it in time."
I never did believe in luck.
This one's all to Jesus. This picture, that face? The life of my horse? That's all by the love of God. I don't know why bad things happen when they do, but here's what I do know: without light you are left with darkness. We live in what's called a fallen world. Every heart has been broken at one time or another, no one escapes this life unscathed. And with those hearts we cut ourselves and others with the broken shards. Why? Because when we sinned we fell away from our God, the Author of light and life. And we have a very real enemy that's all over that. We hurt, we mess up and we feel the absence of God. And then we build all sorts of walls whereas God builds bridges. “Oh, Adam’s sons, how cleverly you defend yourselves against all that might do you good!” (Aslan, C.S. Lewis' Magician's Nephew).
That's why God sent His Son as our Savior.
So that we could be with Him. So that He could heal what was broken. So that He could bring Light to our darkness, rest for the bone-weary, new life for those that are half dead while still alive. He came to bring us out of our listlessness and exhaustion (Read Jesus Calling June 11). He calls us to freedom and truth and peace in Him.
Remember: a day will come when all is put to right. Maybe this is just me talking, but we can't honestly face the future without that piece, it's the capstone to what we believe. God is perfect, He created us, we fell away to sin. Jesus lived perfectly to take our sin away when we believe in Him (so we can be with Him), we ought to live for Him and grow, and He's coming back again. We know this. But for now we remain and with every day that passes a new heart is healed, given the chance to turn to faith. We do not have faith without reason. If God indeed made everything you can be sure He is also the God of reason and logic. Jesus will not leave a Lamb behind, not if He's a good Shepherd. He gives us everything we need, we don't have to bend over backwards trying to fix ourselves. He can give us a new spirit, He says so multiple times in Ezekiel. A new heart, cleanse us from our idols. Actually, it says renew a right spirit in most translations. So take heart fellow Christians (any who have ever felt stuck or stumbled) - that implies He's done it before. Five of those ten maidens in the Bible ran out of oil waiting for the Bride-groom. But all ten fell asleep.
He is just. We've all sinned and it brings death. But "to those who receive Him - those who believe in His Name - He has given the right to be called children of God." John 1:12. So if God loved us while we were still sinners (which He says He does in Romans 5:8), loved the broken so much that He'd take our sins as we killed Him - how much more does He rejoice over those lost sons and daughters who come home?
So you and I? We've been broken. We've got stories. We could sit down across the kitchen table and talk deep into the night of the most sobering things. But we have a Healer, my friends. We don't have to hide, we don't have to be ashamed, we don't have to fear. He gives us love, joy, peace and purpose: which I believe we seek most in this life. Test the Word of God and you will find it doesn't falter. Taste the goodness of God and the counterfeits we create will turn bitter. I wouldn't expect Him to move the same in everyone's life, but He will do what it takes to reach you, because He knows you. You are known. Just look up.
And when times are hard? You don't feel God, you feel stuck and fogged in with no direction for so long? I've been there. Not just once, either. Know that God is equally in every season of our lives and obey. Do what you know is right (and we do know because of His Word). I promise the fog lifts, it does not last forever. I promise that. Clarity comes with the morning.
So sing when it's hard and you don't want to.
Press on when you feel so darn tired trying to read your Bible.
Go to church when online seems so much more convenient.
Speak truth aloud when lies try to tell you who you are. Catch them.
Love the people, be tender to the broken hearted. That's all of them. All of us.
Point to Jesus, point every person to Him by how you talk and how you live and what you do. Kindness will take you 1000% farther than harsh words and opinions and remember to speak words of healing to the broken hearts.
And lastly you are not the savior. You don't have to save others or convince them - leave that to God. He can. Just shine what He's given you and follow His lead. And then hear me: You don't have to save yourself. You really don't have to save yourself.
Wow. Not sure where that came from but it came out in a flurry of typing. Let me help you out and tie that back in: we can really hurt. We can mourn and cry with each other. Jesus did. I think He feels my pain more deeply than even I do. But He can heal. Trust Him to heal. Get connected and keep standing my friend.
Tying it in, I don't know why this happened to Bo, but I do know we are not the same because of it, and it drew us way closer together in the long-haul. I wouldn't change the ashes and scars that forged us for the prim beauty that only ever floats the surface - not now nor ever.
He stayed at the hospital several days, and I stayed with him as long as I could in my green-checkered coat. I'd hand-graze him mostly. Braid his mane, un-braid it, braid it again. And I'd muse about this horse I had - most horses if you were digging your thumbs into a painful abscess would have pinned their ears, side-stepped, tried to bite - do something! But he didn't. He behaved as a gentleman and showed his worth in gold, quietly baring it. Oh, how I wished I had not been the hands causing him pain! But he was still so sweet with me. Even now he nuzzled my pocket, eager to forgive and eager for a peppermint cookie.
(I covered the wound - no gruesome photos here!)
He got to come home a few days later for extensive care. Our new horse barn was in the process of being built. It was nearly finished, but a small covered corral would have to do while he healed. During the day he could go out on grass in the make-shift round pen. It would be a long road but I would be able to ride him again... someday.
Meanwhile I'd go out to give him kisses and sit to watch him eat. As more time passed I became nervous. Old fears slowly crept back in. The longer I was off of my horse, the harder I knew it would be to get back on. As months went by on his healing journey, he made strides forward in progress. I, however, was the one to balk and did the opposite.
I'm trying to keep this about my horse and I. Very soon, however, in the whole picture of my life, I'd be giving my life to Jesus. Me myself, not because my parents believed but because I did. Pretty soon all my fears - and I had many - would melt away. I would begin to chose brave. All this is a story for another time and place.
Love, Sarah
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