Becoming Brave
No. 9
Through Trust and Tears
I balled my fist. Pull it together, Sarah. I knew the tears were ridiculous but that didn't help them go away. In fact, it made them worse. I was a Senior in high-school, I was too old for this. I had been afraid long enough. Why oh why couldn't I get over this?
I trusted Bo. I did. He had proven himself time and again. But every time he broke into a canter I'd tense up and he'd stop listening and it all just scared me to death. Ever since I was a child it all scared me to death, especially the less I did it. And I hadn't cantered in months. And today I'd managed to forget my saddle. We were bare-back.
I'd let him get away with murder, honestly. He knew I was afraid, and even if he is the best boy in the world he was going to do his best to be in charge if I wouldn't be. We spent that entire lesson just getting on and off. That's right. An hour and a half of mounting and dismounting, teaching him not to walk away on me.
The next week, however, it was unavoidable. The saddle made it into the trailer, my Mom made sure of that. We drove out to the arena and trotted in circles. "When you're ready," my extremely patient trainer said calmly, "Ask him to canter." I transfer the reigns to one hand and grip the horn like my life depends on it, sit, and thrust my pelvis forward. He lurches into a sloppy canter, faster, gaining speed - "Breath, Sarah. Heels down, toes forward." I'm sure if you've ever seriously ridden a horse you know all the things you constantly have to be aware of. I kept my chin up, one single tear hanging there and I swiped at my nose with my sweatshirt sleeve.
He stopped himself and I set my jaw, prodding him forward into movement again. That was my first moment of bravery. Sometimes, more often than not, when I simply decided to face my fear again I get this spark in my eye. My Mom calls it my "game face". It's the I-dare-you-to-try-me face. Yes, sometimes I'm very good at setting my foot down and standing up for myself. This was one of those times. I was terrified up there, but by the end of that half hour? I was a little less terrified.
"Fake it 'til you make it, Buddy, am I right?" I slip him a cookie afterwards, brushing him down. I faked confidence and it became real. "We got this. We'll be fine. I trust you."
Love, Sarah
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