August 30, 2023
So I moved out of state.
Hey guys. It's been a long minute. I'm actually coming to you from my dorm room in the mountains of Southern California, which wasn't even on my mind two weeks ago as something I'd do for real. How did I get here? When? I'd love to answer that. First let me tell you about my summer because it was crazy fun and full (and stressful in parts) and I have a lot of good pictures to show off.
You ever roll down your window at sunset? Take a back road, drive a little slower, soak it in? That is what fills me. In all the busy and work and life and good and rough and... all the in between of life, those moments keep the gas tank full. Head back, wind in my hair, fingers twisting the volume dial up.
Through all the events of the past 90 days, those moments are interwoven through my story to keep me going. Sunsets and windows down.
It hurts me to say I had to say goodbye to my sweet Bo and Selah this summer. I did a road trip with my girl Emma to Mendocino, went on some failed-relationship-but-fun-dates, ER visit when we all thought I was dying, lots of time with friends, lots of playing Rescue Hero's with my nephew etc.
*Some of my favorite moments I'll show off include Ashlyn and I singing karaoke at a party haha, some photos with Bo a few days before I had to put him down (ideally will get it's own post), broke down on the side of the road, etc. Most of my favorite moments don't have a photo. Like watching Jurassic Park (my 1st time) with Alayna with gourmet mac n' cheese ha
I'll stop talking for a minute.
So how did I end up in California.
...Deciding eight days before I left?
I lay on Alayna's bed, curled in a ball as she watered her plants. The lamp light fighting away shadows, my breathing so incredibly shallow. "Alayna, what am I doing?" I whisper, fear gripping me for the first time.
Pausing, she responds simply, "The right thing."
And just like that, I'm filled with a warm calm.
For almost four years God has been asking me to come exactly to CCBC. I kept telling Him no. I made up amazing excuses: I had too many commitments tying me to Oregon. I told myself I had OCD, I wasn't hearing from God.
I could sit you down and talk for hours why I trust Him and why He is my everything. But practically, this wasn't so clear to me. He was giving me a choice, not a command. A highly encouraged choice haha where every door swung wide open. If I'm honest, I didn't want Him to tell me to leave my home and friends and job and money and nephews and music and comfort zone and go to SOCAL. School??? I wanted that stage of life to be over. I wanted to move on to girl falls in love with guy and settles down with the white picket fence and golden retriever stage of life, not girl uproots her life to leave it all and follow God into the unknown and have adventures. That was another girl's dream, not mine.
Yet... as the years rolled on... I realized it's deeply rooted in me, this craving for adventure. To know things, to do things, to experience new people, new places. To love hardcore, to lay it all on the table for God and watch Him move -- watch Him do what He does and get to be a part of that.
Another reason I'm here is ultimately I know how I receive love is broken. Specifically love from God. I wrestle to come to grips with the kind of unconditional, delightful love He has. I wrestle to receive unmerited love. And He wanted to heal it. And that would take some dedicated time. And I didn't want to give up what I had back home to let Him. I didn't want to be pulled away from life into God's version of rehab hahaha, I wanted Him to heal my broken parts there.
But the pull was almost irresistible in the end haha, I can talk more about what I mean by that and why if you call me ha I'm not trying to be weird and vague. I knew it was now or never. I know myself well enough that if I didn't say yes now and rip off the band aide and sprint towards "yes", I never would. And I realized I wanted to say yes.
So here we are.
Better late than never.
The other dream is good. But I can wait -I didn't want to wonder for the rest of my life WHY on earth God pulled me ever so gently and consistently south. I'm very much assuming it's not forever, my open plan is to be home by Christmas.
There's so much I want to say but now is not the moment. I've had many adventures (got lost in LA at 1:30am with a broken phone charger and a 1% battery, can I get a shout out to Jesus please that I didn't die haha) and hard tears and ... depth. Deep, sheer joy. Mixed together. I'm actually having a hard time making friends, which surprises me. But I will write about it all soon. Things I've seen, things I've learned. Soon. Whatever soon means. But for now I'm saying sayonara.
Love, Sarah
Comments