March 8, 2023
Well hello. These pictures were taken out of desperation haha. My brain needed to numb out by doing something creative, and a long editing session with some worship music rolling seemed very comforting and soothing. I am on Biblical Hebrew homework overload. My brain has not worked this hard in... a long time! I don't know why I thought learning an ancient eastern language would be easy - it's not haha. But. It brings me so much... delight. I really, really love it. It stretches me, strengthens my mind, gives me so much joy when it "clicks", and truly it's just a beautiful language.
I was asked why I'm taking it: the simple answer is it's a lifelong dream to worship God in Hebrew. It's not *more special*, God really just wants our hearts. Just a personal dream. And I am obsessed with truth, knowing the truth, and discernment and I really, really want to be able to read the Bible how it is written for myself. So for better or worse, here we are haha. My brain is choking but we're alive. As I said on Instagram, I feel like I live and breathe homework! I duck into other rooms at parties to work on assignments (yes, I've actually done this multiple times haha), I give up my precious music time on drives to listen to pronunciation, I wake up with guttural sentences running through my head. But I love it.
Here's what I'm reading (keep in mind right to left):
I didn't realize how simple my life was until I had to exercise my mind a bit more. I didn't really miss school, not gonna lie, I love the photographer's life. But. It's good for me.
Is it weird that I want to announce I totally burnt out? It was so startling. With the exception of two 4-hour segments, I slept an entire 48 hours in the start of February. I had plans to go to Astoria for the weekend and I was so sad to cancel. But getting out of bed, much less speaking to people seemed so incredibly unfathomable. I literally just... slept. I've lost a lot of weight because I don't eat enough. That's not good, it's not like I'm stronger. My body began to protest the busy and stress. So, lately I'm focusing on nourishing myself thoroughly. Because we have organs and hormones and micro/macro health that we want to keep happy :) Your organs don't care that you're busy or not hungry or stressed about stupid things. It's been much, much better the past two or three weeks. All that to say we should probably be better about taking care of ourselves than we are. Don't abuse your body or run it on empty. Make space for rest. Because I realized with dismay almost every hour this week is claimed 7am to 10pm and I'm not okay with that.
But it can't be helped for a a bit. I'm off to a friend's wedding on the coast, I'm a bridesmaid so I'll be busy for the next few days. It's always so funny being in a wedding, not behind the camera.
Let's see, fun stuff - Newly loving Kirkland's goat cheese haha, if you haven't tried it, you should.
I've been enjoying some Brandon Lake lately, his mini album Almond Eyes is really sweet. I was actually convicted hardcore about my music and I felt God wanted me to fast some genre's for a little bit, so I'm honestly just enjoying mostly worship music lately. It's refreshing to have it running through my head free and clear (no warring messages) since there's always a song there, it seems.
I really love my friends. From dropping everything to drive out and pray together and worship a while, to folding laundry together and eating sorbet and just relishing being so thoroughly known, to spontaneously staying for dinner and homework and a movie to just chill together. I love you all so much.
My friend Emma wrote a poem I've put at the very end. It's all about our dearest dreams... and the call to Harvest. You know? The warring desire of: house, family, dog and the desire to: go, serve, bring in the harvest. And I know, I know, they don't have to be at odds with each other necessarily. But do you feel that tension with me? I crave a simple, steady life and yet... and yet there's a deep longing for adventure and something bigger than I could imagine for myself. Something greater in living with abandon sold out for Christ and wherever He calls. The poem really says it all. But I want you to think on that in case I'm not the only one feeling that tension. I'm convinced there's a beautiful plan, I just have no clue what's ahead.
I've been ever learning about God's love. I don't just want to know His ways, I want to know His heart. Since He is my prize, ya know? Yes, I want to walk in His ways. But I desperately want to know His heart. I'm hungry if not in a physical sense, in a spiritual one. When I feel off, I feel like I'm missing God or distant, I need to arm myself with Truth and wage war on those feelings, because they're not true. God loves me, He's closer than my skin, He is for me, He has called me according to His purpose and for His good plans. I am bought into the Kingdom of Light, a beloved daughter, redeemed, no returns or exchanges ;). Let's turn to His Word and know the truth. The Truth will set you free. Don't just accept the darkness, and don't do the enemy's work for him beating yourself up. Submit yourself to the Holy Spirit.
Real stuff, I don't want to make it negative but this is life y'all: I don't like to think about it, but my dog is dying and my Grandma continues to be in a hard place. (I have an amazing family, though, I'm blessed to witness their strength and perseverance.) So those things are sad. Plainly put. But as I sat on the back steps a long time last night, petting my dog and singing softly to her, I find a lot of peace. We have hope in Jesus and there is beauty and joy to be found even here. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.
Here's a photo dump of my last month or so.
a warring of dreams
there’s a continuous tension
tug-of-war in my heart
two dreams vying for space
the first,
desires rooted in every little girl’s dream
dreams that have sparkled
in imagination for years
husband, family, home,
dogs, cats, chickens, alpacas,
stability, simplicity, peace
and then,
there are dreams that You planted
with so much power and passion
just a few years ago
that won’t let go of me
dreams i refuse to abandon
the Gospel, the Field, the Harvest,
freedom brought,
chains broken,
hearts healed,
the lost brought home, made new, restored,
truth proclaimed with love
the love that poured blood out
in exchange for redemption
i delighted myself in You
delighted to seek even when i couldn’t see
delighted to go even when i hardly knew
what walking looked like
i delighted and i did it imperfectly
but the result was everything
You promised
You revealed your heart to me
and began making mine whole
You gave me new dreams
planted a thousand new desires
deep, deep in me
the longing to be poured out
that my life may be kindling
for the flame that brings life
and yet
no one really wants to burn
least of all me
no little girl dreams of growing up
only to be utterly poured out
least of all me
no one longs for the sacrifice,
yes, the death
of their own
life and dreams and desires and plans
least of all me
no one looks forward to persecution
or worldly poverty
or the loneliness of standing alone
least of all me
yet
‘the least of these’
‘those people’
they are me
You called me when I was least
and i am called to call out to ‘the least’
that they might take their seat
at Your table
though my human heart longs
for the delights, riches,
comforts and consolations
that may be enjoyed on earth
my spirit knows a different reality
a better way
a deeper joy
a wilder existence
my soul knows the thrill
of the epicenter of Your hurricane
the swirling insanity of Who you are
and what You do
when Your kids decide to obey
fire
fire
it is nothing but joyous fire
when You move through me.
now,
the dream for what can be enjoyed here
and the dream for what can be enjoyed
in the eternity of Your presence
may always war within me
while i walk with the dirt between my toes,
but
oh Jesus let it be
that i would choose You
every time
that i would set down what glitters
in view of my own human eyes
and would seek what glitters
in view of eternity.
oh Jesus, let it be.
-By Emma Crowley
Love, Sarah
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