*BONUS* Worship song I wrote if you make it to the end haha. Or skip. I see you.
February 20, 2023
Someday I want to do a mini series on the process of music writing, recording, creativity, etc. I'd have a lot of fun with that :) I need a source to geek out on it. But today this is a conversation on creativity, guarding your heart, choices we make and how they effect us. All that jazz.
I feel like it's a lot of words to read, but we'll see.
The first time I attempted this post cost me two precious hours of sleep. I lay there highly annoyed with this nagging thought, "What were my motives?" I had shared my current favorite songs and some new inspiration and made a tiny little defense of my random new obsession with punk (unplugged). I gave what I considered a thorough caveat cautioning of what we keep company with and listen to/absorb. But I wanted to inspire a shakeup of playlists and creativity.
So why couldn't I sleep?
Finally as twelve rolled by and an early morning of work beckoned, I shove back the covers none-too-pleased and sulk to my laptop. "I don't have time to sit here wondering about my motives right now," I breathe out loud, deleting the post, "There." After an eye roll I fall asleep haha.
The next day I had some time to reflect on that behavior that is either conviction or ocd haha.
I landed on this: Jesus.
It lacked Jesus and fed ego.
And it lacked grace.
My life is utterly for Jesus. So why would I set Him aside here?
Shouldn't my creativity be for Jesus? Shouldn't I be eager to put on some armor and take a stand against things that aren't honoring to Him? And yet I was really willing to share songs that are just that - not honoring- for the sake of creativity because I wanted to look cool, probably, honestly.
Beautifully crafted melodies - with an explicit.
Crazy insane vocals - with a dark message.
I told myself those could be easily set aside, but you know what? It's the lines with an explicit that get stuck in my head when I wake up in the morning. (Of all the lyrics.) When I get emotional, if I'm not careful, it's those dark messages that I dwell on if I want to feel something. So... why would I plague you with that as well? No. No, it is good to leave them unnamed and put those aside in my life.
I was talking with an old friend who's been wounded by the church, and one of her issues was legalism. The list of don'ts. Don't listen to this music, don't watch this, don't hang out with friends that are like this, etc. But here's something that takes maturity y'all:
It's not just don't. *Don't is actually important. Hear me out*. Because I mean, David talks about in Psalms 39:2, "So I remained utterly silent, not even saying anything good. But my anguish increased;" Like, it's not just a matter of refraining from music or sensations or clothes or movies. I've tried the refraining route. It lands you in a place where you begin to miss your life of sin and are sad about what you don't get to do. It makes things more intense. -- It takes replacing that thing with something better- don't you dare roll your eyes at me haha. I see you. I learned this from so many pastors and theologians who are much wiser than myself. If your Grandma told you "garbage in, garbage out", she was quoting the wisest man that ever lived when Solomon says above all else to guard your heart. I've heard twice recently from friends that didn't want to give up the comfort of their lives, "That just sounds so extreme." The implied question: Would Jesus really ask us to give up everything?
... you guys do I even need to answer that 😅 ?
Jesus laid down everything for us.
He calls us to pick up our cross and follow. To die to self. That's... pretty clearly a radical suggestion.
Why? Because of His amazing love that changes us and gives us life to the fullest, abundant, and because He has really, really amazing grace for us. And amazing plans that we can live or ignore. Think on those things for a minute if you will. He calls us away from destruction and things that hurt us, and into His glorious light. Dwell there! Dwell there.
Story time, I got really into a punk unplugged playlist about two weeks ago. Punk and I have history and I've not been a fan for the better part of my life because it reminds me of darker days. Sounds take you back, ya know? And I just couldn't go back. Anyway. Youtube shows you more of what you watch, so I watch a lot of videos on singing because I enjoy that stuff. Heard a beautiful, slowed down song that hit home. Looked up the actual song, it was a punk blink 182 song haha. The actual song had some colorful language, but too late, I'd decided I was in love with it. Bing bang boom, on my spotify playlist, spotify suggests some more.
And I wrestled with guilt that I labeled legalistic guilt.
Here's something to chew: Don't make a bad trade. What you listen to gives and takes something, for better or for worse. You should be aware of that. "The church will be at the height of it's heresy when we call obedience legalism." -Tozer. Go listen to Guard Your Heart on the Becoming Something podcast.
And I told myself I was just being OCD. That the genre could be redeemed for me. "Nothing should have that kind of power to take me back," I excused (Accurate, but an excuse to what I knew was actually a limit in place for me). I told myself to sort carefully through and be able to enjoy the good stuff in freedom.
So I did.
And you know what?
Turns out I like feeling cool more than I like guarding my heart after 10pm.
I got over the taking-me-back-in-time portion. Praise God about that I suppose. But:
It's funny how quick I let the language not matter. It's funny how quick I let the themes not matter. "Because 95% of the song is amazingly crafted." Isn't that how it goes? Surely this is familiar for you, if not in music than elsewhere. It goes from one word, to the whole second verse is implying inappropriate things, to oh wow I'm listening to Locket and Sunshower and the whole thing is about dying and riddled with regret and anger haha (sort of). In the span of like, an hour. It's quick. It's obviously entertaining and well crafted, of course it is. It wouldn't be any fun to ignore the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart if it wasn't cool.
Sin works that way. (I'm not calling punk sin, it's not as a whole.) I'm saying that sin creeps in one compromise at a time and very, very quickly (or maybe slowly) you always end up somewhere you don't want to be paying a price you can't afford, wondering how you got there.
And I was sitting around wondering why I felt So. Flippin'. Messed up last week.
My conscience said, "Hey girl, watcha listening to?" But I didn't want to hear it. I felt cool, like my taste had improved (as if anyone cares). But when did an explicit song become cool? Exactly?
(Putting this here to break up all the words and get your attention back lol)
So I'm hear to ask a question every creative/writer asks. Is it okay, as a Believer, to pull inspiration- pull the good - from a worldly source? You'll probably dislike the answer as much as I did at first.
It is not only Biblical, but proven time and time again, that things affect you (I'm hoping it's affect and not effect, you guys, English gets me sometimes). You have to guard your heart. You are absorbing these things. You are keeping company with them, and they corrupt good morals. Maybe not yet. But given time they will. I'm not accusing you, friend, I'm preaching to my own heart a dose of truth to wake me up.
But I also want this to be laced with so much grace. Why should we be concerned with the state of our heart? Because God loves us so deeply, has infinite grace and desires our absolute best. He doesn't want us to hurt. And there are no black and white rules that I'm aware of in the Bible regarding music, so if you have freedom, enjoy your freedom. But David and Solomon talk a lot about what you entertain by putting in front of your eyes [and ears]. God is constantly calling people to be holy, aka set apart, different from the pagan nations surrounding them/us. Soooo...
I felt so convicted - SO convicted - to give up the new change in style playlist and listen to worship music on the way to work Friday. I was picking up Ashlyn, it's an opportunity to show off some new music, get some affirmation in approval, whatever. - and there was the Holy Spirit saying nope. That He wanted to set me apart for my work that day. And that what I fed my heart was going to matter.
I wasn't happy. I resisted. A lot.
"My heart's not gonna be in it," I reason. "I should just do what I want to do anyway." As if God wouldn't want my worship when it's not an emotional feeling. As if He wouldn't accept an offering of surrender. The verse "everyone did as they saw fit in their own eyes" came to mind and I realized the absurdity of my argument, so I changed the playlist from Run by Harrison Storm- a fine song that I like mind you- to worship and started driving. (Notice I'm still making a plug lol. I really like the artist Mokita recently, Clear Eyes is beautiful and appropriate haha)
Guess what?
God changed my heart.
Worship either moves your mountains or it changes your heart about them. It never comes back void, never leaves you empty, never leaves you with regret. Never ever.
I didn't care that I wasn't listening to "cool kids" music, I was filled with something better that made my heart sing. I was praying because a deep joy and longing in me was bubbling up. Like, if you haven't experienced that it might sound boring, but if you have you understand how much BETTER it is.
So don't just say, "I can't listen to this or do this so I guess I'll do nothing and be bummed about it" and let your mind wander. No! Do something better! You are called to life. Not to sub par.
I'm also not saying only ever listen to worship music. I believe God has given us the gift of words and communication to help us express all areas of life, to rejoice in all areas of life, and I really would like to think God takes joy in all kinds of music: so long as it is honoring. So I am saying be careful of what you feed your brain and heart. Because the decisions that you make, turn around and make you. If I'm wondering why I'm feeling in a rut, maybe it's because I feed my heart dark music about spinning out of control haha. I don't need to give examples: media matters. And what you are fed can be a very serious spiritual battle.
So to my fellow creatives, let's realign our priorities. Jesus, the author of song and beauty itself, can surely be capable of giving us much better inspiration in all genre's than the world and it's broken heart can. I mean, really. So let's stop looking longingly at what harms us, extreme as it feels, and make a choice that puts us in the best position to heal and thrive.
You can hate me and ignore this, that's probably fine. But as a girl who is sorely tempted to write "damn" into songs because it seems a powerful form of expression and more acceptable than other words... there is better power. And it never comes with cheap words. If you think you can absorb the dark without it affecting you, think again. I'm a deep feeler, keenly aware and honest with myself. Solomon was the wisest human ever. Even when I don't want to hear it - media impacts us.
Anyway, life update, I've gotta go do four units of Hebrew homework now haha. That's still so cool and wild to me.
Random dose of good things I'm learning: At Biblestudy this week I learned something about surrender. When you feel messed up, run to God. I tend to want to run away. I tend to want to quickly and easily assume and accept His displeasure and resist His love. But He actually loves me deeply, unwavering and wants to walk in right relationship with me, wants me to bend my pride and come home to walk in right relationship with Him, more accurately. So I decided, you know what? I'm going to keep coming to God for healing until I am healed, or at the very least am walking uprightly in community. So be encouraged by that however you will.
Here's the song I wrote when I was overwhelmed by the power of God, when I felt immensely changed by the Holy Spirit after experiencing a suicidal thought and people laid hands and prayed for me (Biblical). Written in 14 minutes of sheer gratitude, and recorded for you today, finally, as promised back in my Speaking Life against Thoughts of Death post.
(I apologize in advance, the quality gets dumbed down on here but oh well)
A song that ministered to me this week when I was sorely tempted to sin was:
As far as I know it's a secular song, but God used it to teach me about Himself in that moment:
So run Wake up and run My little one I wanna tear down these walls that can't hold you inside And rip out the cords and uncover your eyes We'll make our escape in the dark of night I need you to see this
Girl You'll see the world And you'll come to learn That falling in love is a strange work of art All of your battles will shape who you are.
Love, Sarah
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