January 14, 2023
How can I explain all the things that have happened to me in the past 48 hours? Holy Spirit help me.
All I can do is say praise God.
Praise. God.
Written 1/13/23
He is MY God, my light and salvation. Jesus has redeemed me, He loves me, I love Him, He has completely changed my life. Oh. My. Goodness. You guys the enemy is a lair and I'm about to share what the heck just happened.
So I shared my faith today. I also called a friend to pray and do battle this week. I've faithfully served Jesus and handed over my life. I've given up areas that I was holding with a death grip: I am completely known, completely held, completely surrendered, I am complete. Period. I went to war for the Kingdom and said I trusted God then lived it. And the enemy tried his darnedest to freak me out. I'll get to the point shortly but let me set it up:
The devil will speak lies. He speaks death. He tells you to keep quiet and hide. And I say heck to the no on that. I was born to speak. I was born to spread light, to be life. So sometimes I do things that look really scary but the Holy Spirit says go. So what do we do? We be strong and courageous and obey.
One week out of four (thanks hormones) is the hardest in the fight against masturbation. Three weeks I forget it exists, one is a constant battle field these past few months. I was so determined to have total freedom. Part 3 of Unspeakable speaks to this in detail, I'll be sharing it soon. But I wrestled hard core this week and fell today. I was so upset. SO. Upset. I was comparing myself, I was believing lies, tired, missing loved ones, faced with my naivety, and figuring I was set up for failure this weekend. I was listening to fear that said I'd probably fail down the line and I just listened to it all day. When it came down to it the liar said, "You don't have to decide right now, you can just rest here in this and stay a while." But as they say in bull riding, "when you look at the ground, you'll be there shortly." And I fell to the ground. I chose sin. And immediately I lost my mind crying. (Which is what I've been praying for. I haven't always felt too moved by my sin. And I began to pray for deep and true repentance.) I was so upset. "I had all of this progress, all of this freedom, I thought I was free! Why, WHY, did I just do that? Why? What was I thinking? What have I done?"
And I texted my friend and told her (mostly because something inside me said I couldn't and I just know to rebel against that fear). And I told myself, "Ya know, I'm gonna have a good cry, just take a hot shower and go up to Biblestudy (I'm housesitting, it's a long story haha). It's humiliating to come before God and His peeps like this but that's what I need."
So I'm talking to Jesus, hot water cleansing my airways and pooling at my feet and for the first time in a while I hear Him speak. Thoughts of love and graciousness, He's saying that He loves me, that He wants me healed, He's rebuking the enemy in my life. And I'm there accepting His blood as my covering and redemption and this horrible thought wars with His voice.
You should just drown yourself.
...
What?
I have never been so freaked in my life. Not because I would ever remotely consider that, but simply because I heard it at all. There was a voice in my head telling me to kill myself.
(I called to share the whole long story with my Mom before I posted this haha. I always expect her to freak out but she has yet to do so. "I trust God with you," she said simply. This is spiritual warfare you guys, I promise Jesus wins this one haha. I have to share it though and I'll tell you why.)
Suicidal thoughts are demonic. Straight up. I don't care what you say, the enemy speaks death and destruction. That's what that is.
God speaks life.
God. Speaks. Life.
It breaks my heart (as I'm sure it breaks God's and others' ) that the enemy speaks death to you and I.
But I knew this, I knew verbatim that suicide is demonic. So I recognized it immediately.
But back pedaling a little bit, I just have this thought, and I'm like, "..What did you say?" in disbelief.
And it was the same voice that had earlier said I didn't have to decide right away, I could just rest in that space of sin. I didn't recognize it as other before. I thought it was my flesh warring with my spirit. My unreasonable voice. But I recognized it now: you could just put your face in the water and try it. You don't have to stay. The thought continued, you probably won't. But just shock yourself, you could try. It was the same voice that had been telling me to masturbate that was speaking death to me now. And that was not from me. That was straight from hell warring with the Voice, proclamation and promises of the living God. But God's whispers are infinitely louder, His love so incredibly stronger than the meager parries of the enemy.
I was so startled. I am not that girl. I am as broken as any other human, but I am solid on Jesus! I am whole in Jesus! I have life and peace and FREEDOM in Jesus! Who the HELL was this? And what did he think he was saying about me?
And I panicked because you guys! I mean... this is stuff people go to counseling for. I've been to grief counseling as a teen, I recommend it for everyone, but a new level of help was needed I thought. This is "broken" stuff, but I was presumably made whole in Christ! And I thought I was so whole and sure and solid and complete. Why did this happen to me? I didn't want to be that girl. But what if it ever came back? I was scared.
And naturally the fear is, "You can't tell anybody about this."
They'll panic. They'll send you to counseling. You'll scare your parents so bad. You'll lose validity with your friends. Keep this tight, hope that it won't happen again, no one needs to know.
Nope nope nope. You picked the wrong girl, satan.
Speak those dark things out. I can't stand them inside, they only ever kill my spirit. I crave freedom too much to be kept in a dark cage like that. And I know GOD. I know God. I don't need to be there or live like that.
Wrapped up in a white towel with my drenched hair I stood a moment. How would I explain this. ...? People where going to call a suicide hotline for me haha.
My friend had texted me back confirming all of what God had just said in private regarding repentance. I was met with so much grace, so much truth, so much love and she did battle for me. And knowing that I have a refuge to go to, a safe space in Jesus and in this faithful friend, was everything in being able to do what I did...
So I text my friend. I was so uncomfortable, but I knew she had heard suicidal voices in her past, too, so she wasn't going to think I was crazy. I felt so... wrong... sending it somehow. I didn't want to, but I did, feeling very dramatic and messed up. But she immediately calls me. She immediately prays. She immediately does battle and encourages me and reveals the enemies tactics and tells me to worship and speak it out every time and all the things. I was like, "Okay, okay," and grabbed my love-worn Bible, left my phone and headed upstairs to Biblestudy taking deep breaths. I'd never been to this study before but I at least sort of knew all the people there. Something inside me longed to reach out to this community. Something inside me knew I needed prayer, needed help, needed spiritual guidance by mature worshipers of God (this is written for the Christian reader. You can ask me more about what the heck I'm talking about if you are not a believer in Jesus and don't understand any of this. I'm a deep empathizer and I worry for you haha, I worry that people that don't know God or understand the Bible will be afraid of all this ha. I promise on my word and on the God Who lives, there is nothing to fear here when you're in Jesus Name).
So I go upstairs convinced that God will probably ask me to spill my guts. Ever afraid of oversharing or being too much (but typically being loud anyways), I stressed about how it would be received.
And from the get go - before the study even starts, just in casual conversation someone randomly ("randomly") asks my neighbor, "Do you understand spiritual warfare, does it scare you?" Being new Christians they said no it didn't but that it was new to them. And I raise my hand, "Uh, it scares me!" And we talk about it some but then worship starts.
"I just want to speak the Name of Jesus
Over every heart and every mind
I know there is peace within Your presence
I speak Jesus
I just want to speak the Name of Jesus
Til every dark addiction starts to break
Declaring there is hope and there is freedom
I speak Jesus.
Your Name is power
Your Name is healing
Your Name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like a fire."
And so it goes on. The following worship songs? -the same thing, and Jesus is just washing over me. Then they talk more on spiritual warfare, that it is warfare because the enemy is trying to take ground that is not his, and God's people are like, "No!" and standing up and fighting. That is what makes it warfare. And we are not alone, the God of all and His armies are on our side. We are scary to the enemy when we worship! And wild things happen when you declare God. Like, the enemy tries to scare you. But God is powerful and mighty, there is no other like Him and what He has called us to, if He is for us, tell me, who can be against us? He empowers one man to take on thousands. Saul his thousands, David his ten thousands haha. God really does. He wants a heart that is passionate for Him.
And all this is speaking to me, right, so we get into the study and then after I am so full of questions. Because the teachers are Israeli and translating for us from the original Hebrew and I felt like I was granted access to a whole new level of learning somehow haha. Oh to be able to know for myself what the Bible means! Yes, it is perfect and God's given Word to the nations, but there is so much we miss or misinterpret or don't understand and minor details get lost in translation. Minor details that make a difference to me. That add to it's authenticity. I believed on faith before, and I still do, but to see oh wow, this book is history. It wasn't created to create a religion. It is the story of our world, real people, real time, real documents that collectively and divinely are how God spoke/speaks to us -- oh goodness.
But man - watching these people. I don't know many of them well at all. But I looked at Daniel, the group leader and I was like whoa. God is real to Him. God is his God. God is real and He serves his God.
This is why we need community. This is why we share testimonies. It builds faith and encourages us. God was so real to him, it fed my spirit with uplifting truth. I'm so used to walking around seeing people speak doubt and death. And here was life in front of me, real and strong.
Anyways, I had so many questions and was sort of skirting around saying that I was "wrestling a bit and experiencing some push back from the enemy". I talked about my faith and convictions of late and they asked me for quote, "More stories."
... All we have to do is ask.
Don't be afraid. Use the words. Ask.
"Actually, I would really love to ask for some prayer."
That's all it took. No turning back. Marching forward.
Tali said, "That's funny, God literally just asked me to ask if you needed prayer and here you are ahead of the game."
So I quit skirting, I share my story and that I'd wrestled with sexual sin, found freedom, wrestled again and had just sinned and what-the-heck and then I had this intrusive suicidal thought.
And instead of freaking out or being uncomfortable, Tali goes, "The enemy's just trying to scare you," and shrugs. "That happened to my mom, too, she was so freaked out. But the enemy's not going to make you kill yourself or something, speak Jesus into it."
We're His kid. We don't belong to the darkness anymore.
She continued, "The enemy uses the same tactics on everybody. There's nothing new you can say that will shock us." And they all laid hands on me and prayed.
The men anointed me. They prayed in the Spirit, in tongues (which I'm not used to), in Hebrew, in English. They prayed against the enemy. Namely, led by God, against the spirit of lust, against the spirit of suicide, against the spirit of depression. They declared the God of life, Who is MY God, and His claim on me, His love for me. They prayed protection over my ears specifically and what I take in from the world. Prayers of longtime believers, both from Jews and Gentiles, prayers from new faith that are simple and pure and faith-filled and true. It was spoken over me that the pressing brings purity.
I dwelled on that a moment. When you are pressing oil or something (I assume) you are pressing to bring out the good. The impurities are purged, the rest falls away and you are left with pure oil.
Tali was praying over me that the pressing makes me pure. Jesus makes us clean by the Word He has spoken. Instantaneous justification with salvation. But this process purging sin from my walk... it's a necessary part of the sanctification process. She said everyone is tempted. Jesus was human with temptations, hormones, desires and war waged for His thoughts like all of us. He did it perfectly, He didn't sin. But He was familiar with them like the rest of us. He didn't sin. The enemy told Him to kill Himself, too. That He'd be saved by angels, but go ahead and "test it out".
Humanly speaking, he who isn't tempted doesn't need to be pressed, and they aren't in need of purity nor do they have oil, he is perfect. ...But no one but God is perfect. I need purity, and God creates us. He is a Creator. The pressing process doesn't make me a failure or mean I'm losing anything, it brings out and creates... Purity.
Anyways, already it's becoming a blur. Two tears dripped down my cheeks but as it finished Molly held me tight and I began to sob into her shirt. The love, the filling of the Spirit, the safety was overwhelming. God had set this up and ordained it for me in His continual case of His love for me. He is my safe place, the refuge I can run to. Last night He was Provider and Protector (He bought me groceries haha and got a creeper off my tail. More on that if you ask me lol). Like it's been WILD. Wild. I've been in a constant stage of life lately where He's showing His love for me, and the only word I have for it is "wild". He asked me to give up everything, showing me specifically the roles and holes I wasn't letting Him fill. He didn't make me with holes, He made me complete and He made me for Himself to declare glory to Him. And that's exactly what I want to do.
Over and over, all I could do was say, "Praise God," "Bless you" "Praise God," smiling and just so filled with that expression.
And then get this.
As they're leaving Tali goes (they're both teachers for a nearby University), "Do you know any pastors - or anybody really - who would be interested in learning Hebrew? We're going to do some classes starting up in February."
I speak up, "Do you mean anybody? Actually anybody?"
"Yes. Why, are you interested?"
"Yes," I say emphatically. A longtime dream of mine is to learn Hebrew, to hear God's Word in it's native form, to praise God in the language of His chosen people. I know it's not "more special" or "more Holy", but it is meaningful to me and a blessing to me.
So you guys I'm going to (God willing) learn Hebrew. ... Like, what the hey haha!
Here's the thing.
The enemy tells you you can't tell someone something. It's too big, it's too scary. Like he throws a death thought at you and then says btw's, keep it quiet.
No. I refuse. I refuse on your behalf. Get it out. Send it back to hell where it came from. Stand on your Rock. And when you can't stand, kneel and worship and let the community of God stand around you. Tell them. THIS IS WHAT COMMUNITY IS FOR. This is literally what it's for!! You don't have to feel super connected, don't give me the excuse that you don't feel really known in your church circles. I didn't hardly know these people. But they are God's people, and they love me and they love people and God's church because of God. God said to move. So I did. But go to community and press in. God has been teaching me two things since September, drilled in deep, over and over: Get in God's Word, and rely on community. I'm telling you this -- what was hours ago a VERY uncomfortable story I could barely tell my closest friends -- I'm freaking my mom and half the population who weren't there out (not really, she's cool about it all somehow)-- because the enemy is not creative. He pulls the same stunts. Maybe suicidal thoughts have never ever happened for you, but I never thought it would happen to me. I love life, I love my life, I am here for it, passionate about it, obsessed with living it. That would never happen to me.
And it did.
A voice said to kill myself
and I was so worried about it.
Be on guard.
I know people who have fought suicidal thoughts, Christians and non Christians alike who need hope and truth and LIFE spoken over them. I can't claim any big story praise God, I refuse to let the thought stay, God help me. It was cast out in Jesus Name by His warriors. It's so scary to the enemy when we transform in prayer and worship. Worship is your best weapon you've got. You change the world with worship. So maybe it's not the same, but I can empathize better and fight for you better because of it. Because of that experience. I don't think God willed it, but God sure redeemed it and made me and my walk stronger because of it.
And it makes sense. The enemy must be really scared of you and God's plans if he's trying to tell you to end them.
Hold on tight my friend to the truth of your salvation. Or run right now to salvation because there is HOPE. You need to hear that tonight, friend, there is hope for you today and life and peace, joy and utter freedom to walk in the light and delight in God. To have purpose, meaning, fulfillment and joy. Life is so much more than what you've been experiencing. Run now to freedom. Fight to stay above water. Be a fighter, strong and courageous and do hard things. Do battle. Get uncomfortable. Get freedom. God offers grace for free and He is your Hero. He does the hard parts. He does the rescuing and saving. We don't finish that for Him, He said "It is finished." Not, "Sarah, you take it from here." It is finished. My war is forever won. Now abide in His love.
That's what He is teaching me.
He loves me.
Abide there.
You are loved my friend and you are not alone. Be encouraged.
Written 1/14/23
Hey it's me again real time. I turned on spotify, found a long worship song to play on repeat and slept with it playing through the night. I woke up with a song inside my soul that God got down on paper in fourteen minutes. It's my favorite yet, perhaps. I think I'll record it and post it when I get some time in the next month or so. I am on what I call a "Holy Spirit high" but I feel... changed. ...I feel changed. I feel whole, surrendered, completely known, completely loved, completely safe. Emboldened. There is a new fire in me. The old one burned in my body advocating for sin. This one burns in my spirit for the redemption of the world. It's not about feelings, but I've been operating without them for a while. And Jesus has given me the feeling of delighting in Him to go along with His faithfulness, convictions and works. I love Jesus, y'all. And this'll all be for Him. Amen.
Love, Sarah
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