My testimony
To my dearest friend,
Spring 2021
There was a time... in the grand scheme of things, not so very long ago... when I was a lost girl. Full of secrets and fear, hiding away - I wouldn't wish it on any twelve year old. I felt so desperately alone and so desperately tired and craved something real. Thinking I'd done what God could not forgive - or perhaps just wouldn't want to - I remember kneeling by my bed each night begging for forgiveness. Afraid I'd never be enough, never be worthy of the love of God.
Until one very specific day.
Five steps back - I was raised on the Word of God, I loved my life and I loved Jesus fiercely. I had a golden childhood and a perfectly golden home tucked away on my five-acre corner of the world. Perhaps that's why I love gold in my photos so much. I was not prepared for the darkness to come. And I'm here to testify to a beautiful Light that overcomes.
What does this have to do with this beautiful woman?
Because God help me - I have no clue where I would be without her.
The first time I saw Staci I was taken aback. Her head peaked through the door - she was looking for me, I was supposed to be in her small group - and she glowed. That's the only way to describe it, then and now. Her love for Jesus was so tangible and it made her so beautiful and other and... joyful. I'd never seen her before in my life but somehow my heart knew. She was special. I wanted whatever it was she had.
She made me feel seen. Beyond that - desired. She desired a friendship with me, desired for me to experience God. You know what I'm talking about. How often would we kill for a friend that truly WANTS to be with us? She stepped into a young girls flailing life and gave me something solid. She went above just giving me group time on Wednesday nights - she'd pick me up and take me out to icecream. Or on a picnic. Or we'd bake cookies and watch old movies. She guided me through the tough questions - and I had a lot - encouraged me to read and memorize God's Word, spurred me on to share it. We shared life. And she gave me my first journal I ever kept. Now, as you can see, I love words. She unlocked a gift for me that would keep on giving for the rest of my life. I believe I have around 26 completed journals since that day.
And as I learned who God was in truth, not what I thought I knew about Him, as I began to seek His face, His heart, He was quick to pull me in. I'd read His Word every day and write down what I learned.
Then April 15th.
Some people don't have "a moment". It's more like a lifetime of moments. Others have a saving-grace encounter with the living God. I? I had both. A lifetime, yes. And I had an encounter that would set me into the beginning of becoming all that I am and all I will be. The taking-on of my parents faith, owning it and picking up my sword. And it goes like this:
I clung to a little wooden cross as God got a hold of me. Literally. It was a token after Easter Sunday, to take home and remember. As my tears soaked into it's wood my chest felt like it was filled with butterflies and my hands shook. All my dreadful fears- I remember them so well. And I remember the exact moment they ceased. And this peace washed over me - I swear, if I'd thought I knew, I never knew the meaning of that word before then. God told me, in oh-so beautiful words like a kiss from heaven, that I was forgiven. I had confessed my sin to God before and never felt different, but this was Him overtaking me and stopping that crazy train I rode. I was forgiven. I could live in confidence of the Blood of Christ that washes away our sin, of the hope of His resurrection. Just like breaking out into the open air and sunshine after walking miles in a dark tunnel, my weeping turned to tears of gratitude, a language all their own for the inexpressible.
I rode that Holy-Spirit high for about 30 minutes.
And then I crashed and burned.
Do these three lies sound familiar to you?
"People won't look at you the same if they know. They'll only ever see what you did."
"*Insert someone* will hate you when they find out. You'll be rejected. The cause of their anger."
"How will your Daddy ever be able to look at you? His innocent baby girl has become a disappointment."
You see, I was a little girl that had kissed another little girl. I'm going to stop you right there: this was a big deal. I get a lot of opposition from people at times who think I'm being dramatic and this is kids stuff. No, this is spiritual warfare. We knew it was wrong. We were curious about the forbidden. It was a fun temptation that grew dark quickly. And I loved my sin as long as it lasted. I was unprepared for it, the church just doesn't talk about this or porn or any sexual sin to young people (I get it: Where is that line? When do you talk about it? Well, it's as soon as the enemy of your kids' soul can make it so I suggest finding a Godly way for it to not be taboo.). Especially not girls. This "wasn't a girl problem". I figured there must have been something very wrong with me- why did I struggle so. hard. And that's later! That's the overcoming. Here I was still living in it twistedly and "happily".
But you see - there comes a time, at one point or another, when illusions are shattered and the devil says it's time to pay up. And I am so, so grateful mine was eleven years old. Praise God for His unfailing love that didn't let me remain in my sin for long, that He drastically stepped in and changed my path. My utter brokenness and shame led me to seek God for healing and wholeness that life and relationship with Him brings. I danced with the dark; that's why I am now so obsessed with the light.
Here's something I want to drive home. Whether you are young or old this remains true: sexual sin is not the unforgivable sin. Jesus truly does remove the images, feelings, memories from your brain. I seriously don't remember and never think of this anymore because when Jesus renews your mind, He fills you with Himself. The rest has nowhere to go but out for good. Sure, it takes denying yourself. Of course it is very hard. But so incredibly worth it. And being so far distant from it now (not to diminish it's severity, but to give you hope if that's remotely you) many kids have my story. It's not unique to you, no problem or sin ever is, you are not alone in some dark hole. There's a Way out.
Back to those lies: God immediately called me to tell my parents. It wasn't just between us anymore where it could comfortably be set aside and forgotten. I was supposed to walk in the light. And the enemy of my soul said it would burn. But he lied.
Nevertheless I lived in fear for two more years. Now dealing with loss, grief and drastic life changes I battled a different enemy: depression. There was a while there where I felt like an icy lake. Because I felt nothing at all. Empty. Hallow. And it should have scared me but I felt nothing at all. But I knew Jesus was still there, He was the answer, I was floundering but not lost on Him. I had to get out, back to normal with Him, how it once was. How? Every night after bed I'd get the unearthly courage to do what I'd last heard from Him, tell my family. "In the morning I will tell them." Every morning my courage deflated. Until.
Staci had invited me to OEI. Yes, she still ties into all of this haha. Operation Eternal Impact is a gospel-sharing two week intensive designed to teach us how to teach children about Jesus. God asked her to sponsor me and her private deed is perhaps only now being shared. And right before leaving, as often happens before God-designated times, I was overwhelmed by anxiety. I WAS NOT going. Was. Not.
God sat me down for a little chit-chat. It was time. Time to put the past behind me and step out. "I am going to use your testimony this week and how will you share it with others if you won't share it with your parents?" His words. After an encouraging reminder and "Walk on the Water" by good ol' Britt Nicole I stepped downstairs. "Mom, we need to talk." There. It was set in stone now. That's all it took.
I sat at the foot of her rocking chair and cried - Disney princesses've got nothing on me - spilling it all, asking for forgiveness.
I'll never forget. She brushed the hair back from my forehead, eyes watering and with the most earnest expression I've yet to see, said, "You've been letting this eat you alive for four years? Of course I forgive you."
Boom. Right there? Freedom. The ball dropped. The immediate lift was so real and tangible - I was forgiven before. Now I was free. Swung the cell door wide and waltzed on out. Light and bliss. The enemy said the Light would burn, but the whole time Jesus was there with His arms open wide knowing, "No, this will heal you." He was asking me to experience that the whole time. For my own good.
And I've never kept a secret since.
I can't say I did it all perfectly. But I began to be different. God did use my testimony that week, He changed me in untold ways. It started simple. My poor parents probably tired of me sitting them down to confess things. God called me to give up a tv show (that I won't name because now it is so abhor-able to me I won't give you any curiosity). And after giving up that addiction cold-turkey by the grace of God, the depression immediately left. We'll go into my theory on what we feed our minds and our mind's health another time. **Side note. This ain't instantly perfect stuff, my friends. I struggled with some things so much that at seventeen years old I went to Christian counseling. This story is long as it is, but please ask me about why every single human with a brain EVER, should go to counseling. This isn't all wrapped with a bow immediately. It was a growing process.
The point is God called me into the light and the more I stepped out, the free-er I was, and the easier it became. I was one way and now I'm completely another. I am a new creation. He takes me deeper and deeper. By sixteen I closed that chapter entirely. I called up my ex-friend to ask forgiveness. We forgave each other and heard each other's stories and moved on with the rest of our lives.
(I feel like I'm in the Old Testament where they're talking about the kings, "and aren't all their deeds recorded in the book of such and such?" Like, "And aren't all her deeds recorded in the 2015 journal?" "The 2018 Jan-April Journal?" Etc. I'll save the entire life story for the book version I guess ;))
So. There is nothing more important to me than Jesus. I was a broken person, empty, out of control and afraid. Now I am whole, clean, new, filled with the Spirit of God and joy, peace, hope for the future. But mostly love.
We have all held broken hearts. It's the common denominator of humanity. We all need a Savior, THE Savior. It's simply fact. I can't make anyone believe but I hope by my life they'll see something different. See their need. God is still changing me - I fall so incredibly short. As long as I'm breathing I need Him, and always will. "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23. Everything I say, think or do that isn't of God should separate me from Him. But He loves you and I so much. I am saved by grace alone because He made me, loved me, became a man who lived perfectly, and died. Because the God-man had never done wrong He could take the punishment for me (He deserved none Himself) and He took the full wrath of His Father to pay the cost of our sin, "The wages of sin is death" Romans 6:23. God had to turn away from His very heart. God in three had saved humanity. And because He had done no wrong, death could not hold Him down, Jesus is alive and with the Father and coming back again! First to save the earth, second to judge the earth. I want to know Him so much more, I cannot wait to be with Him forever. Because "For those that receive Him, who believe in His Name, He gave the right to be called the children of God." John 1:12. "Whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16. We are given the Holy Spirit, the third Person in the Trinity (not just some glittering force field y'all, not the lesser by any means. All three God.) when we become Christians. He is our Helper, our Comforter, our guide and advocate etc. I could go on. I've confessed with my mouth and believe fully in my heart that Jesus is Lord. I've experienced Him emotionally, of course. But it's beyond that. He has literally spoken to me before, and His Word come to pass. He speaks more often in my heart. He is the Creator of all things, including science and reason and I have found His Word flawless, His way true. I've tasted of His goodness and seen, I know that He is good. In seasons of darkness, dessert, cool summer bliss and all the in between God has been there. He is faithful when I am not. It's a calling to life and purpose. It's bigger than me, life isn't about me at all. Love God, love people. It's hard, we're called to take up our cross and follow no matter the cost. But I can testify to just a glimpse of the joy to come. I am called Beloved and His. I am a child of God's, are you?
*Deep breath*
Was I planning to go here tonight? At 12:52? No. I was going to write all about my adoration of Staci. But I want you to know I did something before writing all this: I knelt by the bed and I prayed.
I prayed for the right words. What would glorify God? What would honor Staci? I prayed my selfish motives away. Because I've got a few. And I began typing. I may apologize for the length, but honestly, I'm not super sorry. Hopefully you didn't get lost somewhere in there. Hopefully you caught on to some truth to grasp to. You are known like a book loved and read, you are seen, you are valuable. You are loved by God and He makes you absolutely enough because HE is enough. He's got you. Nothing can separate you from Him so have no fear, just be strong and courageous.
**If you want to know Jesus and how to live a life that follows Him, please reach out to me. Don't wait like I did. Now is the time for your freedom from yourself and whatever else holds you down. Seize the day and all that jazz :) My heart is for Him and it's for you, too. He is gentle with the brokenhearted and mighty and capable to rescue/save.
This is the best tribute to first my God, and Staci, that I could think of.
Thank you for your love for me.
Love, Sarah
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