October 12, 2021
Hey y'all.
Congrats in advance if you make it all the way to the end. I'm afraid it's a bunch of rabbit trails and run-on sentences but I think I said most everything I want to say to you today.
As I was sitting up with my friend last night, her sister poked her head in the room and I was like, "Come on in, we're talking about Jesus." And that makes my heart swell a little bit. Like, I LOVE that that's the norm for me and my girlfriends. That we can sit and generate this conversation out of anything and be brainstorming our knowledge and experience of God. It is So. Stimulating.
But I've got to remember to listen. It's easy for me to be triggered, when hearing someone else, to something that I would like to say next. Then every five seconds I'm reminding myself of what that was so that I don't forget by the time I can next interject. - That is a disservice to both the speaker and the audience (myself). True listening is not coming up with a response while the other person is speaking. *Stepping off that soap box.
So this morning I get up, right, I slept late so I did barn chores before I had quiet time. Then I sort of paid attention while reading my Bible. But clearly not enough because I finished my first chapter, then was moving on in my head and put the Bible down and forgot about the other half of my study entirely.
That's sort of like not truly listening. It's a disservice- mostly to me. When in my head I am somewhere else, or ready to move on to the next thing, I am missing out. I enjoyed what I read, I was thinking about it, just as I enjoyed talking to my friend and was trying to hear her. But I also wasn't really all there, ya know?
And I've said this before, but I have been so distracted lately, I can't even tell you. I can try to be present in the moment but it takes effort that I don't always give. My heart is warm for the Truth of God's Word, I know in my head that's where I should be and I ask God to desire it as I ought. -Because I know the more I'm in the Bible the more I want to be! The more I commune with God, the more I ask myself "why do I not come to the well of living water all the flippin' time?"- But on the average I've been warm toward my God but my heart is hot somewhere else. I've been running to the fun and exciting things God has given me. Good things. And they make good things, but they make a pretty lousy god. So when that relationship, or that job, or that event - when they take so much time and energy from me and it's all-consuming (I take things and run, I really do, I go all-in)... that's when I know I've got a problem. And I hate that about myself. I can often ruin a really great thing by running when maybe I'm just supposed to walk and not burn myself out.
And in my distraction I know all the trigger signs. I like to blow past them, by reacting right then instead of taking the time to step back, think and respond. (I'm being a little extreme, I'm describing a certain instance where I blew past on a whim this week instead of choosing wisdom to wait, I wouldn't say that's up-and-up the norm). God has been really gracious to me because I've been praying a lot in this season. Like, a lot. And He isn't handing me everything I want on a silver spoon. Instead I get a really soft voice saying, "Please wait." "Be patient." "This will be by My Hand, not yours." There's no prime membership with God where I can convince Him to vary from His timeline and get me expedited shipping. It's grace. He gives good gifts to us because He loves us, fully out of His goodness and not on my ability to pull it together - thank God. I can slow the process, but I cannot speed it up. I can slow the healing, I can slow the learning, but I cannot speed it up.
Ooo how frustrating.
But oh how good.
When we just want to be there! We want to be that future version of ourselves that can be ready for that job experience or take that relationship. We do not have to have it all figured out in order to live this life, but we do have to take it as it's given in wisdom on God's timeline.
My parents were listening to an audio book by Kyle Idleman called "Gods at War". I caught the tail-end of it. He was saying that the "god of Me", when I am my own god, cannot handle criticism. It cannot handle being wrong or corrected. That is convicting to me, because my father will be the first to say, "If you don' handle criticism well it's because you're just like me." We wilt under criticism, we become defensive, and we both hate it about ourselves. I do think there is an effective and ineffective way to dole it out on us. I do think we need to control it's effect over us by God's grace. I'm not giving us excuses, just being real; it's probably my biggest struggle and it's an ugly one because it's something you need to be able to hear [and possibly take and implement] in a world of relationships with people (coworkers, friends, spouses, anywhere two human hearts are involved). You've got to be able to be wrong. I won't add to that or make it sound better.
Because I'm used to being told I'm very mature. I'm used to being told I'm uncommonly wise. I'm used to having "the right answer" for my friends. Honestly, I think pretty well of myself and I want others to, as well, it's a perception thing to an extent. But Romans 12 - "do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather with sober judgment in accordance with the measure of faith given to you."
Please don't mistake me, I'm not saying I'm not genuine. I'd like to be as authentic as physically possible. I'm saying that my heart to be real for people, because I love people and want to point them via my life to a better way of living and experience with God... it can turn into wanting to be what everyone needs. To be pulled together so that that person will love me, will think well of me. And when glory shifts (subtly!) from God to me, it is becoming a false god. I'll expand in a moment.
I'm told by my mentors I'm very teachable. I have a tender conscience. And I think as far as morality or faith matters go, I would very much agree. But man - something I know? You want to criticize my work on a job? You want to question the year that that life event occurred? You want to bash my political stance? At least with God I know I am utterly in need. These other areas? If I am my own god I clearly must be perfect and that kingdom can't be threatened.
I didn't realize how dangerous that was.
Don't get me wrong. "Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out." I'm not saying you need to change your stances (self assessment), I am saying you need to check your god vs God.
I wanted so badly to be perceived as good. Not only perceived, but to BE. I wanted to be perfect. Turns out I'm not. Surprise. But if I'm not the one holding God up, I can't let Him down. He stands on His own two feet. He is faithful when I am not, His Word says so. He's holding on to me when I abandon the lifeline. But if I am my own god I have to hold that up. And it inevitably will crash down. That's the design of the little "g". We're meant to need. We're meant to need God, we're created for community to need others. And I'm not lord over any of that.
Not that we need to think ultra lowly of ourselves. I just think we're supposed to think of selves altogether less in entirety. Here's what I was telling my friend: "We're all thinking about ourselves all the time. Even when thinking about other people we are thinking about ourselves." It's sort of exhausting. If only there was a way to lift up our eyes and see the bigger picture. (But wait.)
So I don't know what to do. Or I didn't this morning, anyway. This will feel like a rabbit trail but it ties back in: There I was, all gun-hoe, ready to send a text I knew wasn't smart. To throw my self-embedded boundaries out the window again just as easily as I hit "Ignore limit" on my time restriction on Instagram. (** self-embedded side note, God gives us wisdom to make choices day to day in life, so be careful about over-spiritualizing, but on the flip side be careful about what ideas and ideals you create entirely without God. We are to worry about nothing but instead pray about everything and give thanks. Give thanks for your hard things is so huge and counter intuitive, that's a whole 'nother topic.)
Anyways, there I was. But it wasn't entirely self-inflicted, God had a little piece put on my conscience that is generally present that was like, "Mm, is that text really a good idea?" or whatever the case may be. So I read my Bible, all excited to get my Jesus-time in first so I could move on with the right perspective, fully intending to do my own thing but "with God" this time. Still it remained, the nagging, "Mm, do you really want to toss that out the window?"
So I'm like, "Okay, well maybe I should do my Bible study/journal first. That's probably a good idea. But I'll check my e-mail and all that, you know, work and what not." I was distracted by a new media platform but that ever present pull was like, "You don't need to be here right now."
Dang.
Okay...
I landed on... a ... I don't know what to call it. Not a sermon. Just a life/vlog chat thing. It was called how to deal with heartbreak and I couldn't shake that I should watch it. I was like, "God, I've never been through a breakup, like this is totally inapplicable." Still I begrudgingly watched it.
That's been my life lately. God says not to pay attention to appearances and here I am judging every church service or topic He puts in front of me, like, "I won't get anything out of this, Lord," (oh my gosh I am such a child sometimes) and then He proceeds to blow my mind.
So here's what it said. When we are running to ________ instead of Jesus... if we are not fully satisfied, if our value is not found in Jesus then we will be very let down by whatever we place in His void.
Am I fully satisfied In Jesus? Currently? I know I was before *this opportunity* came along, I often start out well, but am I still?
Am I longing to be with Him?
If not (which it's been a "yes I am, BUT" lately), that's on me. It's because I'm not showing up, not because God's not there wanting to BE IT for me. God's character is so much higher... than anything. Like, I want to run. to. God.
I don't want to run to a guy. Like, I'm so grateful that although that is fun, it's not turning out very satisfying for me right now. I'm so glad, because God is teaching me, that in fact, He fills that desire to be loved and wanted. Am I right or am I right? (Oh heaven - what if we, I, got what I thought I wanted? Outside of it's good place God has it. That'd be a mess at the moment. I'm learning to submit, whatever that looks like, because God has such a better way and a good plan.) Relationships are good things. Really good things. There are wonderful girl [space] friends out there, guy friends, a husband someday. And they make really amazing friends, guy friends and a husband [someday]. But they make a pretty lousy god. So in my own tendencies to take something and run, it is so good of God to be teaching me to slow down and walk and let the candle burn instead of the wildfire. I am figuring out what boundaries look like and He is so good at protecting me. I don't naturally feel very protected, but God is like, "Babe, just be still. Wait on me. I will fight for you." Because He's not what we project on Him from our life experience. He's so much bigger than that. Step back from the tree to see the forest. In my say-what-I'm-thinking, go-getter personality God is teaching me my value in Him and that I won't have to chase anyone down. How nice is that?
So there's the balance. Not thinking too highly of yourself in your own mind, but also realizing you have extreme value as a child of God's, bought and beloved, cherished forever. If I am His, let Him fill me. I need His help to set myself aside, to be pulled away from all the distractions... because in that moment I just see Jesus.
And when I just see Jesus...
Everything else melts away.
It's strange how it happens but it does.
That's where there is perfect peace. That's where I relax and am at my best. I crave to be there all the time. We can't live on the mountaintop, we were not designed to. But let's look to it, remember. We are called to remember over and over again, that is the point of Communion, the Passover, the ebenezer, stone pillars - reminders. What does it look like to seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with our God? Because it's clearly called to be a day-to-day experience with God, whether we feel like we're on a mountaintop or not.
So I don't know - day by day. Read your Bible, get into the Word, ME-MOR-IZE. it. Memorize it, friends, you can, you really can. Get it in your heart, don't be a stat. God is pretty much literally all that matters and gives us purpose so go learn His heart for you.
That's all I have to say I guess.
Catch you later.
(P.S. I've been holding myself back from texting everyone I know to go read 1 Thessalonians 5. Read it the past few mornings, literally fire.)
Love, Sarah
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