A message to any who have doubted their faith or their God.
Having doubt does not mean you are losing your faith, my friend. Take a deep breath and rest in that. It is, though, an invitation to deepen your faith. It sucks, but speaking from the other side, that is also kinda cool. Now is the time to dig your heels in. It breaks.
Read the Bible. Pick it up.
The following is a post I wrote during and at the end of a horrible season of doubt this year. I felt like my whole world might end. I just wanted to get back to where I knew and trusted Jesus without this plague of ... doubt. It didn't feel like the time to post it then. It does now. So if this is for you, Jesus had me wait just for you.
Written April 21, 2022
I feel called to share this... and why live afraid of what loved ones may think? Why wait for fear this message will never be as good as I want it to be? I pray it's encouraging. I pray anything not from Jesus falls flat, I don't want to be just making noise. Let's just dive in.
In Joshua yesterday I read this little phrase, “Be strong;”. Let’s over analyze this for a moment, because I have never stopped to before.
Let’s imagine it’s summer and our fields are full of hay bales to be brought in. We’re standing before acres and acres of spreading work, you pat me on the back and say, “Well Sarah, BE STRONG 👍.”
... I’m gonna be pretty dismayed.
How far do you think I could get on my own? I’d be annoyed while simultaneously wanting to prove myself, so I’d get my game face on and do my best, but by the second-ish row up I’m not going to be able to throw those bales up there. Not to mention it’d be slow going.
Here’s the thing, I never do it on my own. Team me with my Dad? We get the job done. It’s a sweaty nightmare full of dust and heat, but it’s satisfying.
(My pride must add we stacked it much higher than in this photo haha)
See what I did there? Jesus liked practical parables, too.
Can you just decide to have strength? Or does that take some prep? Some discipline required before the hour of need? The choice to use and exert that strength once the moment of need arises?
Let’s not be passive. In fact, we’re called to be strong and hold fast and choose to be careful to keep loving God. Anyone with any sort of human interaction knows love is a choice because feelings fluctuate. Boy, do they ever!
So in a season of doubt, hold tight. Be strong, choose to protect your love for God fiercely.
I know because I am you.
But you and I don't have to do the work alone. Like my Dad, God (our Heavenly Father of course) does all the heavy lifting. It's Him Who reaches out. Every. Single. Time. No exceptions, love. Maybe time. But He's never failing.
My doubts didn't come from any outside source. No other theology seduced me. No convincing argument against God. No, it actually came from within my faith.
Be strong and not passive, don’t sit there in doubt, but go THROUGH. Wait for Him, He’s going to strengthen us (Luke 23 Jesus tells Peter he’s going to seriously doubt and fail, but God won’t hand him over and give him up. Instead, once he’s strengthened, he is to turn around and help his brothers. Guess who is later called the rock of the church?). As my friend pointed out, “All the disciples doubted frequently, not because they forgot what Jesus had said, but because of people, powers and principalities or circumstances around them.” Wow, that’s a word. Maybe we’re called to be strong and on guard against these things. No matter what the lair says or how convincing at surface level it sounds: you will never have to be strong on your own. Why? Because for those of us who follow Jesus, He swore He’d never leave us or forsake us. We can believe that.
Here’s what we don’t need to believe: every single thought or feeling that settles on us.
Weed them out carefully. Not everything is truth.
So what is?
The enemy’s gonna tell you you have to rely on your own strength. Your own reason, your own ability to discern. "Because God’s not gonna show up to fight for you, to make it clear for you." (“Can you even hear from God?” he taunts, placing examples in your past, or doubting the inerrancy of your Bible, to trip you up). God won’t show up for you to do it for you. And you can’t use pretty words to convince Him. It’s on you.
When God never says that- in fact He took on the cross to put it all on Himself. Very simply. Actually, in context of Joshua 23's “be strong”, He’s saying “be strong- look at what I’ve done, I’ve literally done all the work for you- but be on guard.” Against idolatry of the heart. Of other loves we turn to for strength and pleasure and purpose. Be strong: because we’re not any better than anyone else at saying no. As Jackie Hill Perry said in her talk of how Jesus turned her from homosexuality, “Sin is fun, if it’s not then I don’t know what kind of sin y’all are doing haha. I thought Christians were just really good at saying no to stuff, fun stuff, I didn’t think I could ever be like that. ( **too addicted. Relatable.) What I didn’t realize was that it was on Another's authority that Christians operated.”
Another's authority.
We rely on Jesus' authority.
Here's what we're told. Be strong, continue in love for the Lord. Keep holding fast. He fights for you exactly as He promised. Just take a look at what I saw in Joshua 23, or Psalm 71 to start.
Now story time, I've never doubted my faith before. Questions, sure. But I was always deeply satisfied with finding answers. So recently as I was freaking out that I was struggling with actual doubt over here, for five minutes God stopped me. It had been a long dry season, a long time since I had really, reallyyyyyy heard from God. Ya know? And there He was when I was crying in my car, feeling pretty hopelessly far from Him. He filled me up like He used to beyond a doubt, and promised me, "I won't leave you here." [In my doubt].
Now, do you think I remembered that moving forward? (*chuckles) Not a chance. Oh how forgetful we are once the feelings and moment pass. It just goes to show how unreliable feelings are.
Because a few days later, driving up my hill, this thought intruded that was not mine, "You could just decide to stop being a Christian right now." I share this because I'm not the first or the last to randomly hear it and let's call it out. It was just ridiculous enough and uncalled for that I noticed it. Like, it didn't come with any big fireworks or drama. Just a doubt. And when you're already tired why fight every single thought?
But we're called to captivate each thought for good reason.
God's character is trustworthy. Take some relief in these statements: There’s no other option than for there to be a Creator-God, there’s no other option than for Him to be perfect, and therefore there is no other option than to believe He is Who He says He is and for His character to be trustworthy. That’s simplified greatly. If you don't like me being absolute, bare with me and do some more soul-searching. "What do you mean no other option, Sarah? Of course there are other options." I mean look at the world around you. Really, really look. Look at humanity. Examine your heart. Heck, ask God to search you Himself. David does in Psalms. I love to ask God that, "Lord, search me and know me. Show me anything that keeps me from You." He never fails to show me stuff that sometimes convicts but always brings me closer to Him. It's scary at first sometimes, but that fear is always exposed by the truth of His goodness. And I'm better for it. Anyway, we can talk about it more if you like but God is IT. I'm going to continue like I don't have to defend that.
I’d never had a crisis of faith before. Through the hardest seasons of life, the closest to hell I ever want to experience - faith was as easy as breathing. It has always been my delight, it always made sense. Jesus taught me on a life-changing scale how to disarm shame, and perhaps it was once that was gone I suddenly (out of nowhere it seemed) was bombarded with doubt. With no good reason or name behind it (except spiritual warfare). Based on just a vague feeling... I doubted. I do call it spiritual warfare because I am sharing God's Kingdom more in this season than ever in my life, the enemy wants me shut down.
Look at your doubt. Do you see the enemy behind it? Once you see him it's a little easier. Once his plans are exposed you can see him coming. This is battle, y'all, for real.
I felt like a horrible hypocrite sharing the Gospel while I simultaneously struggled to understand the why behind it. For I truly cannot comprehend WHY God would choose to do it this way. To make this hot mess. To die for it. *I asked Him. In my heart searching I asked. You want to know the response I got? Not expecting one? That knowing me AS I AM is worth it to Him. Exactly as I am. I felt naïve, why hold tight to this faith just because I always have?
But do you see the craftiness of that question?
I asked myself this. Why let go of Jesus? -What is so enticing as to leave the steadfast love that has seen me through my life? Truly, what?
Like it's okay to question and look at this. We should! So let's look at it. We want the truth, whatever that is. We don't want to be wrong on something so important, dedicate yourself to know the truth. Not your truth. Not your feelings. Find Truth.
Truth has a name. I'll go ahead and tell you it's Jesus. But look.
Looking at the lives around me, facing darkness without Jesus is VASTLY different than facing it with Him. I genuinely don’t know how non-Christians function. I remember those days from when I was younger, from before I made Jesus truly my own. I remember all my fears and the... darkness. And I remember the exact moment the fear stopped, when my world burst into light! When we doubt we are called to remember and worship.
I say worship, and here are some verses that encouraged me. "My fellow believers, when it seems as though you are facing nothing but difficulties, see it as an invaluable opportunity to experience the greatest joy that you can! For you know that when your faith is tested it stirs up power within you to endure all things." James 1:2. That chapter has even more to say on it.
Worship is our best tool against spiritual warfare. The more I resist that the louder I'll sing and here's why.
When I was doubting I was very "shy" of "cultish things". Believing because I always had, worshiping when I was doubting, like what? A cult would say believe blindly. That seems unnatural.
Don't think this is my distant past, either, I did say I was learning some of this yesterday, right haha? I wanted to be a rock, "pulled together", having loved the Lord my whole life and never truly doubted anything (but myself). Well, now I've doubted God, too. I doubted He still showed up to save, that people still wanted Him. And here's what I got.
If God wasn't it He wouldn't still change lives. This is why we share our stories, this is why we ASK stories, and we make sure our thoughts get OUT of our heads and into the light of day. Don't leave your thoughts to suffocate you inside or shame you. My friend who was sky high in the streets of LA is now an evangelist, living his life in peace and confidence, purpose-driven with an unnatural glow of delight, owning his role as a really good father and doing hard things. My cousin's wife who was once trapped in the darkness of a deep sect of Mormonism found freedom because Truth is real. My friend who was a staunch atheist and worked against Christianity came to the realization that there had to be a God, and in the Trinity, there is salvation in Jesus. In yours and my real life people are healed because Jesus is good, I find total comfort when I'm afraid in the middle of the night when I cry "Yahweh" because that Name has power! When the devil taunts that I can't remember what God has done for me, let me shout out my testimony. Let me tell of how He saved my mother's life, of how He up and healed my nephew, of how He healed ME! Let me go back in my journals and see how He filled me. If He wasn't it, when He promised me our Foster Kids would come in September and that He would fight for Him, that wouldn't have happened exactly as He said, defying all odds. Lives wouldn't be changed, heart's desires turned around - so much more. Like, just ask for examples.
So why do I think I have it right? This was a serious concern of mine.
But I open my eyes and look, really look around.
My friends and coworkers, fellow students, etc. literally run off of stress and anxiety like caffeine. If you dig behind what they believe either they a) don’t really know and try not to give it too much real thought, b) they follow a faith full of holes (yes I can say this confidently, I've yet to see one without concerning holes), c) there is no God in their mind, d) the universe is actually a version of God because somehow that’s easier to believe (like, what?), or e) life came from a bang and matter came from nothing but wait that’s not possible so behind that life came from a piece of rock which is also not possible but hey also there is literally no purpose to all the order we see.
So we are purposeless, doomed, hopeless.
Or they don’t like God. I get that in the most compassionate, non-flippant way. I know. It’s misguided by the cause, by the enemy, but I know where they are.
So when I’m laying in bed wondering how I have the audacity to think I have the right answers, do their lives show me anything good or worth having? I don’t pretend to know it all, I’m not trying to be cool here, friends. I’m just begging you to understand how wild this all is. There’s sin in the world, you only have to look at it to come to that conclusion. The world will say they don’t need help from Jesus and yet do we know how these people sleep at night? Because we can deny it until we’re blue in the face but we all need God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. We can choose for Jesus to pay for our mess or we can pay it ourselves.
I worry for those who believe in a version of God out there but don’t take up a need for relationship with truth.
Seekers find. I’m not talking just super Christians (there is no such thing). Not talking "good" seekers. "Good Christians." There are no good Christians, just Christians. Jesus asked, Who is good but God? - No - I'm saying anyone who seeks, finds. Jesus says anyone who seeks, finds. I’m talking atheist scientists, looking for truth. I’m talking scholars looking for truth. I’m talking cult members looking for truth. I’m talking hurt people with simple lives, looking for truth. I'm talking this 22 year old, battling lies and looking for truth.
Seekers find.
God made science and reason so they only ever will support Him, He’s not scared of them. So look! Ask your questions. I did. One of my recent concerns was about the inerrancy of the Bible. I found (with great relief, actually) that the Bible is not a document to create a religion, but instead a historical account of actual events with actual evidence that have stood since creation. It’s the account of our earth, the account of our real Creator Who stepped into it to save us. And a call to live for Him, a call to purpose and love and joy and peace - everything we are built for. I am still wrestling through some emotional shaken-ess: pray for me! But trust is a choice to give, faith is something you place. And he is no fool who gives up what he can’t keep to gain what he can’t loose.
I share this incredibly long story because someone else out there needs this. Maybe I'm not tied together with a bow, but I think if we don't step out, how is God going to use it for His glory?
He is faithful even when I am not. He died for us while we were still His enemy in hopes that we might live. And then in belief, in assurance that those given to Him will in fact rise with Him. He’s not a list of emotional experiences or characteristics, it’s not all about head knowledge and being able to know everything; because simply put, we are not God and our finite brain cannot comprehend what holds us all together, much less the "Darling of the Universe" galaxy, much less the God Who made it. It’s not all a list of traditions- but to be sure we experience God emotionally, through reason, absolutely through Scripture and “tradition”. He’s never been closer than in this moment, never loved you more than in this moment. Nothing you can do will make Him love you more, nothing you can do will make Him love you less. So cease your striving and rest.
You don't hold God up. You simply bring Him glory.
And oh how He delights in you!
Don't forget that in this.
Even now, oh son, oh daughter, how He loves you.
August 25, 2022:
My doubt just broke one day. Gave way. Not a big event. I just found that I heard the Name Jesus and trusted it again, without a shadow of doubt. It was warm, it was gentle, it was being led beside still waters to be restored.
And He sustains me.
Again, friends, it is He Who reaches out. He Who saves. You do not have to figure it out and solve your doubt. Just throw yourself on Him and press in. He Who holds you will not fail you now.
Resources:
*it's been a few months since I've addressed this, so if you need to, ask me for more resources or more in-depth stories. Or reach out with questions. I've doubted in the height of where I thought I should be a "perfect Christian" so I won't be remotely surprised or somehow think less of you or your questions. Quite the opposite. It's so nice to know we're not alone.
Love,
Sarah
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