September, 2022
I originally started this blog post with, "I don't feel remotely prepared to write on this. But I'm sitting down to faithfully do it." And then I took a couple days to sit on it. Because something felt very off. I listed the facts. I listed the steps. I laid out my story. But I can say all this until I'm blue in the face - and still, without Jesus, it is nothing. We need a serious dose of love and Jesus. Because you, my wonderful friend, are in fact loved endlessly.
This is now my third time sitting to go over this, because it still doesn't feel right. It needs wayyyy more Jesus.
So let me tell you this. You were created. You have a Creator. Your Creator calls you good. Your Creator loves what He made. He loves your spirit. He loves your interests. Your personality. He likes that. He loves your body that He hand crafted. And yes we are fallen. We abuse our interests and misuse our personality. We put the miracle that is our body through the ringer. Your body is a miracle. And in the words of Princess Mia from a childhood classic, Princess Diaries, you likely at one point or another just really wanted a different miracle. Just like with Eve, we had this daydream of something better. That maybe we could just be a little better...
But friend, don't diminish what God calls good. Your body is your home. As long as you're alive and walking this earth it is your vehicle. You get to nourish it, you get to make it a beautiful space to live. And I find that is such a nice way to view it. A beautiful space to live that is uniquely you.
That starts with your thoughts.
-Oh yes. It takes work. That's not what you want to hear probably, huh? Your thoughts? That's not the change we want. We want physical. We want fast. But the real work isn't workouts or eating just so. The real work is training your thoughts to be wholesome and true, kind and fitting. Self-controlled, but maybe not in the "will power" way that you think. We slap "self-control" over a diet and call it good. But self control is freedom from destructive thoughts and behaviors.
In Jesus you have been given the spirit of love, of power and a sound mind.
You have a sound mind.
So how do we become sound again? When we've let our minds and imaginations run us?
**First off, if you suffer from an eating disorder or suspect that you may, please get help. I didn't experience anything too severe, so I'm going to write this from what I know, but I am not a doctor, I am not a counselor, and even if you or the people around you think you're fine to go it alone, please, I beg you, do not. Don't tell yourself it's some big or scary thing. I just googled it: you can text (800) 931-2237 and just chat with someone who can give you some wisdom. We want wisdom.
I remember going to counseling and being told by someone I love, "Why are you even doing this? Counseling is for... broken people."
...
Yes. Which I am. We all are, are we not?
I recommend counseling for any human with a heart or brain ever. But I digress.
So. After speaking with many, many women, girls and friends who have suffered (men absolutely do, as well, this is just not a conversation point I have with them)... in all my wisdom (*rolls eyes*), let's talk.
Here's the question I get most from young moms. 1) How did this "happen to you" and 2) How can I keep my daughters from the same thing.
So let's stop here and pray for a second. Because this is touchy. Dear Jesus, please feel free to use me and my words however You want to. I pray I would speak what is true in love, that it would be helpful to set some of Your kids free, or on the right path to free. I pray you protect the readers mind's from the enemy. That you would wrap them up in love and engulf them with the reality of Who You are in truth. Thanks God, this is for You, may anything that's just me fall flat.
I'll quit building this up in a second here, but heads up, this might be a little triggering for some people. I think we are all a little sick of that word, but really. I'm going to be honest and attack some delusions. That won't feel very fun. (Takes one to know one.) I'm going to bring up some stuff that maybe you won't agree with. Cool, just seek Jesus and seek healing. That's what He wants for you. Seek Him earnestly and I believe you will find it. This is simply me, how it came, how it went, how I live now.
It started at eight years old. I was not remotely obese as a kid, but I was just built bigger than all my friends. I was nearly my full height by eleven years old haha, I was meant to be built bigger. I never noticed much, to be honest. But we all grew up in diet culture. Me, probably you, most all of my friends. We grew up with weight watchers and fake "diet" food. I was counting points as a literal child because, well, that's just the culture of how it was done. I was not deprived. I "saved points" and got to eat ice cream, as far as I was concerned it was great. Now I think everyone involved would cringe. But it was the culture of the times. We were all just doing what we thought was best to be healthy.
To which I say yikes to the times we lived in. But truly, to the moms out there, it is a good thing you were after. Health is good. It is not bad. It has been twisted. We are trying to untwist it. But don't be discouraged!
I'd get teased every once in a while, which is unavoidable. You can't avoid mean things kids and adults say in life. I didn't feel very effected, but let's be real, words stick with you.
So I grew up (literally.) 5'10", thirteen years old, skinny as a rail. I remember hearing moms whisper at a birthday party, "Look at those legs," enviously. As if I wasn't standing right there. And I remember being told at sixteen, "Honey, you've put on a little weight in your thighs. Maybe you should go on a diet." And I thought to myself, So before was good and to be envied, and now was not so great. Okay, cool, I'll just go on a diet.
No biggie. I had great will power. The fam was doing a diet, I just hopped on. I remember being starving all the time, living for the next three hours when I was allotted the next ten grams of protein (oh my GOSH this makes me so mad. So. Frickin'. Mad. Did you know ten grams of protein lasts you one hour?) But I taught myself the scarcity mindset. I taught myself when I could and couldn't eat, how much, and that I could not wait until I could eat again. Because I was so hungry, all the time.
I'd go to birthday parties and refuse to eat and celebrate. I'd cry in the bathroom. My best friend (before we were bffs) was also at one particular party. She also cried in that bathroom, for the same reasons. ...
I'm going to insert this reminder throughout: seek Jesus. Seek Jesus in this. SEEK. Think on that.
You are not alone, my friends. Why are we so secretive? Shamed? Desperate? I missed out on so much of my life. I'm sure if people or my parents actually knew, someone would have stepped in. I would hope. But we are all pretty protective of the word "health" and blinded. I wanted to diet. I said I wanted to be healthy, but deep down I wanted to be skinny. So I justified and protected it fiercely. I wanted it so bad I thought I wouldn't be happy or love-able without it. But I never found that happiness, even when the numbers dropped.
I was so scared if I accepted myself as I was, if I let myself be happy where I was, that I would forever be stuck there. And I couldn't let that happen. I needed to be pretty, I needed to be likeable, I needed to be happy.
So I dieted off and on through my teenage years. It wasn't until I was seventeen it kicked into full gear. Senior year of high-school, lot's of changes could have influenced it, but mostly just the family's new way of eating. Mostly meat and vegetables, dairy, counting carbs (I haven't written that phrase in so long it feels like poison to me now haha. I'm not going to come against carb counting as a whole. I will bow my head to the possibility it is good for some people out there. But for the people with eating disorders, R U N, run away.)
Here's something about me. I can take a good thing way too far. I can run with it. When I decide something, I'm determined. So when I decided. To make. This. Work. I was going to make eating low carb forever work.
I won't get into this too much. I lost a ton of weight at first. Weight I didn't need to lose. I'm 5'10", small and extra small were never ever meant to fit me. I was healthy, active, lithe, but our ears love to hear the compliments that come with being altogether smaller.
When really - do we forget?- we are altogether beautiful.
Seek Jesus.
Then it all flipped.
My body freaked. Out.
I put on weight faster than you can say "no carbs".
I lost my cycle. Guys, my body literally thought I was in famine and just needed to stay alive, bare minimum.
And I panicked.
Most people, when their body literally starts to shut down, would probably say, "Oh. Yeah, this isn't working or good for me, I should stop,"
But I Could. Not. Let. The diet go. The dream, the hope go.
Because remember? Nobody told me this except the age-old enemy of a woman's heart: my happiness and loveability hinged on being skinny.
I wouldn't have told you my hope was in anything but Jesus, but man. My hope was riding on a number on the scale, a number around the waist. We're good at justifying. We're good at excusing our obsessions. "I want to be healthy and free of this, but I also still want to lose weight," I remember saying, miserable. (**I just cleaned out my desk and found all of my old food journals. And you know all I felt? Extreme empathy. Empathy for that girl behind the handwriting measuring every body part hoping it would one day be good enough.)
So no cycle. TMI. What did I do?
Intermittent fasting.
Yes, that ought to do it.
*face to palm
I starved myself in the socially acceptable name of intermittent fasting. Literally right in front of everybody.
If you think it's not possible to eat less than three carbs I day, it is. I did it.
And then I'd over eat the foods I was "allowed" to eat. I'd eat and eat and eat and never be full. I was always hungry, I was always thinking about when I could eat, I was always worried about what other people thought when they saw me eat, what they thought when they looked at me and my weight (as if anyone cares) - I was sick. I was a sick girl. I weighed myself five times a day. That is literal insanity.
It was all consuming, it was constantly just there. If you know you know. It's not normal to think about yourself, your body or your weight so much. You don't have to, there is hope! But know it's not normal. It was normal to me, but it shouldn't have been
I almost feel really uncomfortable sharing this next bit (I feel like that's saying something lol), this is not how my story went. **It did haha I took it out ;) Essentially I had a moment of: I'm going to take this a step further. But then... Jesus.
I had a still, quiet thought. Like a hand on my shoulder, pulling me back. And then just this thought: If I did this thing I fully planned to... it would take ten times longer to pick up the pieces and heal then it would if I just never went there.
Seek Jesus. Even there. Even here, in your moment of desperation, of wanting. Of wanting something so bad. Seek your Creator, Who gives you good things, loves you and only ever wants to heal you and bring you peace, to bring you and draw you to Himself. He only wants you to know His beautiful, wonderful, just, holy and kind character, you guys. He's not scary. He's righteous. To be revered for sure. But your Dad doesn't want you to be afraid. He wants you to know Him for real, for Who He is. He's not holding out on you. Not angry waiting for you to pull it together. He wants you to lay it all down at His feet, no matter how big or bad. He's got you. He's not as hard to please as we think. In fact, He's a hard target to miss. Love Him and seek Him.
So I walked away from it. By the grace of God I walked away. And I realized, perhaps for the first time, I wanted something better for myself. I wanted to be better. Healed, whole. Happy.
I still dieted. A went back and forth with severity. I'd have moments of what I would now consider healthy thoughts and lots of fighting against those healthy thoughts to keep the delusion alive.
I'd have "rebellious" moments. Moments where I let myself eat a cookie. Or I let myself eat an apple. And I didn't feel crazy or out of control... I felt content. Which was empowering. Maybe I could do this...
You guys I never thought I could un-learn how many carbs are in an apple. But to give you some mid-way hope, I eat them now without a single thought to it. Not one. It doesn't occur to me. Not anymore. That is huge for me. So huge I can't explain.
This is my last big blow. I'm eighteen. 5'10", remember. 180 Ibs. I'll give you numbers, not because you need them, not because they mean anything, not to compare to anyone or anything. But to let you know strictly by fact where I was at. I'm standing next to my best friend who is barely five foot, and people really like to fawn over her which makes her endlessly uncomfortable. I'm a literal Amazon next to her. I never begrudged her. Not once in my life. I never compared myself to her. But this woman did. Maybe I'll forget this someday, but not today: no joke, she was all over my friend, just going on and on about her looks, then she turns and looks me up and down. Straight. Up. And says, "Eh, you're okay, too." Turning back to my friend, "But you. You, are beautiful." Word for word, this is not me exaggerating a story haha.
Like... who says that
Who in their right mind haha? That is legit just so rude haha
I didn't realize that would stick with me. I honestly didn't think much of it until later. But the message of, "You are okay, but someone else is beautiful. Someone else is what everyone really wants, what holds delight," I believed it to my core. That maybe some guy out there some day may like me, but it wouldn't be for my looks and he'd kinda be settling. I'm sweet, but I'm not pretty. I just accepted that I wasn't pretty, I thought I knew it full well and could live happily in spite of it. So I did. I legitimately found out how to be content. But I didn't uproot the lie. Actually not until this year.
Uproot the lie, friends. Do it. Pull it up.
I went to Uganda and you can't diet there. I lost weight by eating totally normal.
A year later in D.C. I went an entire day without eating. I remember standing in the Holocaust Museum and feeling so dizzy I almost passed out. You win some battles, you lose some.
Story time nearly over.
So here's how it went down. I found Cambria Joy's video "How I stopped binge eating" (that's her original, I'm an OG hahahaha she has much more mature and qualified content now as an adult and nutritionist) and I realized... oh my gosh. This is a thing. This is a common thing. Better yet: there's hope. I can change.
And Cambria Joy changed my life. I'll forever be grateful for how Jesus used her vulnerability and testimony and selfless service to people to pull me out. Me personally. She won't be a miracle pill for everyone. But the God that used that to get my attention knows how to get yours, as well. Her faithfulness to live in honesty has been like a consistent guide for me.
She is very opposed to dieting. All for living healthy, taking care of your body, giving it nutrients, working out, the works. But not restricting. So here's a beautiful Christian role model who just glows with genuine love, who brought me to Jesus in this shared storm and I was like... Hmm. All my life I've been justifying diets as taking care of my body. But what if I can take care of it and not restrict or abuse it. Not obsess. Because maybe some people can diet healthily, but I certainly cannot. I want you to be honest with yourself when you ask if your thoughts toward dieting are healthy, life-giving thoughts. Health is your life as a whole, it's your happiness, it's your mindsets, it's your inner dialogue and your molecular structure.
Seek Jesus.
Don't just believe me, seek Christ.
Health is being able to celebrate with people and live in freedom. Some people can find that in diets, others have literal health problems where they must be careful. I'm not making a generalization, that would probably be foolish. But that's not me. And I'm going to ask if it's you. Don't just answer, I want you to think and go through that wrestling process if you have one. But if it has been your whole life and the mere thought of letting it go is unthinkable...
If you can't accept that you're beautiful.
If you can't accept that you are loved wholly.
If you think people think less of you. If you think about it all the time. If you're hungry. If your body doesn't function as it should.
If it's such a weight that you're so used to carrying...
But cast your cares on Jesus Who cares for you. Rest in Him, just be in His presence, throw it at His feet and just sit there a while. Let Him fill you. Let Him do and teach in His perfect time what He will. You don't have to figure it all out today. You don't have to make it perfect, God will, He will grow you in His time. But commit to sitting at His feet. Commit to spending time in His Word and talking with Him. Commit to dealing with this subject if you need to, and let Him change you, because He only ever brings beautiful change.
So I quit dieting. Never to be picked up again.
I was so afraid. So afraid of this. Afraid I'd gain all this weight (you know, even more than I'd already gained. If I wasn't good enough at 160, what on earth was I at 180??), afraid I'd never be pretty enough, whatever. But I'll have you know I didn't gain a single pound. I had gained my freedom. Since 2018 until this summer I have been the exact same weight without doing anything in any direction. I've been having a blast this summer just living my life, and I think after consistently showing my body I wasn't going to abuse it anymore, it's finally just going to land wherever it wants to be. You can trust your body, you can trust your Creator. It will sort of take care of itself if you nourish it. Let yourself enjoy food of all kinds if you are physically able.
And if you are able to diet.
Maybe you find freedom there. This is no shame for you. I am pleased. I'm pleased you have more mobility or feel more awake. That takes it's own self control. That is the freedom to choose to eat or choose not to, that is the freedom from a plague of unhealthy thoughts. I am talking to a different group. Again, I'm not going to throw everyone in the same category. I am going to ask where you fall in it.
And I'm just going to pose a challenging question to think on:
What if there really was a better way, without obsessing over having a perfect body? A perfect tent when I go camping? What if I enjoyed the trip, the people, the beauty outside the tent? If I didn't worry about every speck of dust that got tracked in or the zipper getting stuck? Because our bodies are just tents. To be cared for. Not obsessed over.
Isn't that a breath of hope for you? What if it never occurred to you anymore? What if you just lived rooted in confidence, not because of changing bodies or actions (although I know that gives us a type of confidence), but because of a deeply known truth of your value and worth? What if you didn't have to check your reflection every time you passed it? What if you didn't have to think about your next meal? What if you didn't have to worry if you worked out enough days? What if you didn't feel miserable by food? What if you believed that man when he tells you you're pretty?
Quitting dieting wasn't enough. That was step one.
Step two, my roommate moved in and refused, outright refused to have a scale present. So I obeyed. Went ahead and adopted that for myself. It was hard at first, but when I realized I didn't need it, I found all the more freedom. Let me remind you this is the girl who had previously weighed 5x a day. I think I weigh now like probably every two months? Doesn't usually change. I don't need it, I don't think about it. Unless. I'll be real. Unless I've lost weight. Then, like this morning, it's tempting to be like, "Ooo cool well let's check again, maybe I've lost more." Be aware of that sneaky beast, guys. It's okay to check maintenance if you can do it healthily. But if you've suffered from an ED. I repeat. Best just avoid it altogether. Because it kinda sucks to deal with when that changes.
Because your body changes.
I'm not meant to still look like I'm 16. Thank God haha! I'm meant to be 22. If you're 45 you're not meant to look in your twenties. It's not less-than. It's a release! You get to be different. Because our bodies don't stay the same and that's good. I'm not 45 so you'll just have to believe me on that ha. But ask yourself what you're really expecting from your body.
Last year I started letting myself go to the grocery store and buy whatever in the heck I wanted. I bought greek yogurt, and orange juice, and even animal crackers - like, all the things I enjoy but would never let myself buy. Just the habit of "those aren't good for you, too much sugar, not healthy" was still there. And I enjoyed the heck out of my orange juice.
Practically, Cambria Joy's Innher Strength Program (I believe it's soon being added to and will be called The Wellness Method) was well worth my money. She has helped me so much over the years, honestly I was willing to pay it just to support her. But the wealth of HELPFUL information, mindset shifts and freedom that is packed in there... if you can budget it I would. It actually helped me. And that's a breath of fresh air. Jesus-focused freedom. It also is workouts which is good for me because I still struggle with that. I still struggle not to over-do it, not to desire unhealthy results. So she has those laid out in a pretty encouraging and great way for those of us who wrestle. Because as nice as it'd be to never think about what to eat or how to move, it's a part of being alive haha. We don't have to worry about these things because God takes care of us! Like, don't worry. But they still need to be done clearly.
So to the moms who want to know how to spare their daughters. Start with yourself. They watch you. How you talk to yourself. How you talk about yourself. How you treat your body. How you care for it. The culture you were raised in, if embraced, will be passed to her. Would you talk to her like you talk to yourself? It doesn't sound super fair, but we are accountable.
Then tell her she's beautiful. Every day. Because she has everything working against her to tell her she's not, more often than every day. We're in a big movement right now to tell girls they are capable, to compliment things besides looks so they won't focus there. If that works in the long run that's amazing. I'm all about that, tell her who she is on the grand scale as a whole. But beauty is okay. Beauty is a part of us. It's something every girl possesses without exception, I'm not sure that it should be ignored. It should be cherished, fostered well. Cultivated.
Beauty is okay you guys! If no one ever told you, it is so good. It's a part of Who God is so much that He put it in women. Maybe it's been mistreated in your life in one way or another. I'm so sorry. It's a core of who you are. I'd suggest reading the book Captivating, some people find it helpful others not, that will always depend on who you are and what you're seeking. Seek Jesus. Foster beauty. It is good.
Foster: to encourage or promote the development of (something, typically something regarded as good)
But moms - do compliment your girls on things that don't change. Think as a whole. Compliment what you love about her spirit, about quality character traits. The best complement I've ever received was from a young girl, who, being deaf, signed my name as "Smiling Eyes." When you see something lovely or praiseworthy, tell her. Dads. Tell. Your daughters. They're lovely. Not just every quarter. If you can't remember the last time you said it because it wasn't even this month much less this week, tell her again. Not a one-and-done thing. Not "you look nice". Girls don't want to look nice, they want to be beautiful. They need to hear it from you, or they'll go find it from someone else. Wouldn't you rather set the standard for your little girl? Heck, I'm 22 and still need it.
Educate her. Teach her what her body needs to best support and sustain it. Remember when I said ten grams of protein lasts you one hour of energy? You need to eat. You need to eat protein and some carbs and good fats. You need to eat nutrient-dense foods, support your cells, support your organs, stay alive and thrive. And also enjoy ice cream. And an apple on a sunny day. And birthday cake. And popcorn on movie nights. Like, just live.
Keep an open conversation. We are all human. You are, your child is. Your teen is. Whatever, whoever. Like... be real. Don't avoid the conversation because you don't want to mess it up. Someone else will tell her, no matter how carefully you think you protect her, it is sort of just in her. To wonder if she's lovely. I suggest creating an environment where you can talk about things, difficult things. Life things. In a Biblical, safe manner.
Nobody is perfect, no one will do it perfect. No one body is the same. I used to want to scream when I heard that. How frustrating. Can't you just tell me what to do? But I don't think it has to be so crazy to figure it out. Maybe it's way more simple.
So in summary, it was triggered/began for me with dieting and restrictive, unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns. It left when I decided to quit feeding those unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns. When I filled my mind with truth- in every area! Remember, health is a whole. Your spiritual health matters. Listening to truth via the Bible or sermons, listening to "positive" messages in media - this all matters. Fill up on wholesome things, honestly, as corny as that may sound. Taking out unhealthy things.
It left when I quit dieting, or swap that word for restricting. I ate when I was hungry. I was hungry a lot, guys. But I ate when I was hungry, personally. And personally it helped me, Sarah. It took a little bit but pretty soon I wasn't hungry all the time, I was able to be full, and I wasn't keeping my eye on when I could next find food. It was hard to eat at other people's houses because I was at their mercy and was always hungry for more than I'd get. Some of y'all don't eat much haha yikessss. But just have grace with others and yourself and keep going. I quit dieting, I let myself eat, I quit weighing and thinking about it all the time. I talked about it. I had people who held me accountable. I recommend someone who does not also struggle, but in my case having a buddy that understood was helpful, we'd spur each other on, so take that one with a grain of salt and be wise. It's not always helpful for the blind to lead the blind so to speak.
Finally give it to God. Keep giving it to God. Because there is freedom for you and you won't be concerned with this forever. It's worth the work. You won't ruin your body by choosing to heal it slowly. At some point we'll get to a place where we can workout and eat salads again from a good place. I'm almost there. I enjoy salads and eat them without hoping I'll somehow be better for it anymore. I eat in freedom because I enjoy what I'm eating. Working out? I still have a hard time with that one. Mostly because I am back to square one and it's hard to start over ha. I don't know how to discipline like that healthily, but I will learn.
So there it is! Long, in typical Sarah-fashion. Hopefully I didn't just screw you up haha! I hope something of value is there for you. Something you didn't think of or never heard out loud before. I've said these things a lot so it's pretty non-eventful for me ha. If there's anything you have a problem with, as I realize this is a touchy subject, I just ask that you be kind; I'm an open book and vulnerable here but am open to talking and gaining perspective, so kindness will get you a long way. It's a conversation, not a debate of how to do it perfectly. As I'm sure you know ♡.
Love,
Sarah
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