December 2022
*I am not a counselor or doctor. For what it's worth.
"Doesn't matter where you're from, We all have a story. We're all staring at the storm." Lightning, by Mehro.
I put this up front because it gives me a deep sense of community. Unity. We're all in this together. (I apologize profusely if you're only hearing High School Musical now). Lightning is actually a beautiful song. The chorus drives me insane but the verses are... lovely.
You've read the title. This fight...
... and it is a fight. For freedom from sexual sin. Mainly *masturbation* for the purpose of this post...
This fight is not -- and honestly cannot be -- about just "being a good Christian". As my friend Sianna says, "There are no 'good Christians'. Just Christians." Not "good" Christ followers and "sub par" Christ followers. Not less or more. You just follow Him (and you do it with everything you are, honestly) or you follow something else. Jesus said once, "Why do you call Me good? Only God is good." Of course the irony being that Jesus is God.
There is no good in and of ourselves. Sarah is not good in and of herself. And I'm not going to quit sinning because I'm going to be good. I'm going to quit because I love God and He is actively, continually changing me.
The point being if you're trying in your own strength to behave and be good, you'll find out pretty quick what your strength is made of. And it's not much. It has to be on Another's merit and for a bigger purpose than just cleaning up our act for our conscience.
And my friend, be of good courage: Jesus sanctifies us.
But beyond trying to be "good" or be what you think you should be...
This is about Christ. This. Is. All. About. Christ. And relationship with Him. Every aspect of your life is for Him. This isn't about hiding the things we think we're not supposed to experience as Christians, this isn't about surface level behavior management. It is so much deeper. It is a heart change, a renewal, a deep and true repentance, a life sold out for Christ with no back up plan.
-- And combating the fear when reading that haha. My fear about sustainably living up to being "sold out".
Recently I wrote a blog post on finding freedom from my struggle with masturbation, linked here for you. What I love about this exposure of my story is God is turning it into a ministry. {To minister to, to offer ministrations, is to bring healing and aide.} All I did, and you can, too, is say, "Yes, Lord, this is what You have done for me and I'll share." That's it. And in plain view the Holy Spirit is bringing His girls home, He's showing them that they can speak out loud what they thought was their prison/consuming darkness. He's pouring out His light and showing His love. I say girls because I'm a girl and girls are who talk to me haha.
But in this process I'm hearing you guys. I love your hearts so much. And I want to speak more to your questions and fears and the wrestling within you, now that I know.
So let's talk again.
1) For myself, because I have learned so much in my own journey the past few months.
2) For all y'all. Because you have opened up to me. Lord willing and God be praised, I am so here for it.
But I am hearing the same things over and over, it always starts with "I have never told anyone this before." (You are in good company.) You are not alone. Neither am I! I knew the stats but I really had no idea how common masturbation was until all y'all were shyly like, "Me too..." I am so honored that you feel safe here, I do not take this flippantly. I hope I never stop turning you to Jesus.
And.
And...
I will always push you to walk in the light. My friends, I would do you a great disservice if I did not do everything in my power to show you that Jesus really can save you. That the light may look really scary but I promise it only ever heals.
I also hear some of your deeply rooted beliefs. (No shame, we all have one of these thoughts about our sin, be it lust, be it gossip, be it lying or laziness, you name it): "No no no, Sarah, you don't understand. I don't have a problem. It's under control, it's okay. I do *masturbate* but it's not like, a problem-problem." Or conversely, "I'm just going to give in anyway, it's only a matter of time. Be it hours or two months, so what's the point of putting up a fight." "You don't understand, Sarah, you are safe but no one else will get it. I can't tell anyone else."
I've heard your stories. I'm so sorry for those of you who long ago went to someone for help and instead received lashes. That is not the heart of your Father. Forgive them, but don't give up on speaking out and seeking help from your God-given community. It's hard for you, but this does not mean that everyone will treat you this way. You can be wise and courageous. We need community.
My dear, sweet, beloved friends. Don't you see? Your Daddy is not ashamed of you. He doesn't see a dirty, shameful kid that can't pull it together. When you said yes to Jesus' sacrifice and gave yourself over to Him, God sees His beloved Son Jesus when He looks at you, His child. Don't you understand that the enemy of your soul would love for you to continue in the belief that you can't change? To continue to sit in prison when Jesus is calling you out? That Jesus won't actually thoroughly save you through and through? -- What a dirty liar. What a trickster. When he tells you that maybe you don't want Jesus to change you, maybe you want your sin? That you'll always choose sin inevitably, because you can't be different? Wouldn't he love for you to keep believing that no one will understand, that you'll get hurt, that you can't freely share your total testimony of God's work, that you'll always be stuck and some secrets are okay to live alone with? My dear friend, freedom is so much sweeter than you can imagine, you have no idea.
"You don't understand, Sarah, I could never talk about it like you do."
Oh yes you could.
Straight. Up.
I'm not telling you you have to. Chill. But for goodness sake's give yourself some credit. You are a flippin' strong capable Christ following saint. Don't tell me that you can't. We're human and have human limits. But speaking is not one of them, God willing. We're good at that one. It gets us in a lot of trouble sometimes haha and it does us a heck lot of good. The tongue is capable of life and death. Your thoughts drive your tongue. Your heart does, too. So what do you believe about yourself? What are you believing about God? What thoughts are you letting take root?
Here's something I learned about the brain. It is marvelous, crafted, and way too smart for me:
Your thoughts take up physical space.
Bare with me, this has been revolutionary.
Your thoughts are not just abstract. They take up physical space and create neural pathways (are your A&P classes coming back to you?) that are reinforced every time you have that same thought. They create divots in your brain matter. I'm putting this in normal human speech, I'm not a scientist or a neuroscientist, go look up Dr. Caroline Leaf or someone if you want someone who knows better. And your brain does not like when what's called "the integrity of a thought" is challenged.
I'm trying to pound home: this is physical. Actual.
So when the Bible says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12). This is a physical process that can take place. Your brain can physically morph. Change. Heal. It is a marvelous creation.
So this was hope to me! I applied this knowledge to sexual addiction. Because I found freedom, y'all. I got to where it never occurred to me, much less was the thought of sexually satisfying myself remotely appealing. It wasn't. And then I fell. I was blinded for a moment by temptation (because I mean, it offers us something doesn't it), and it reinforced a discouraged belief: there is no lasting change and I am a fraud.
90% of the thoughts you have today are the same thoughts you had yesterday. What do you believe about yourself that you are drilling in so deeply? Because "Whether you think you can or you think you can't: you're right."
I feel like most of us experience this. I don't want to call it a cycle, because we are not going in circles. We are headed straight, and it's for Heaven. But we fall on our face and go back to an old belief that we "can't". We simply can't. We aren't strong and our will power sucks. And we allow a binge when we deeply believe "this is just how it is".
Biblically speaking, Jesus told Peter and the boys to pray so that they wouldn't fall into temptation. *I don't like taking things out of context, just go study Peter, he and Thomas are literally my favorite haha. I just noticed that the same Peter that denied Jesus at His crucifixion was filled with the Holy Spirit a few months later (because Jesus left; "It is better for you that I go, I will send a Helper,") and Peter declared Jesus as God and Messiah in that same place, the same high priest, his same father-in-law, like how crazy. A total redemption moment. The Holy Spirit changes our deepest fears and brings out our truest self. You are strong because God is Holy and strong and lives in you. To go back to the garden: Pray. The spirit is willing. Your spirit longs for God. My flesh is weak. Your flesh is weak. So feed the Spirit. Be careful what you feed your mind and what you allow to dwell there.
I wanted to change. I want to change. I want a heart renovation, a brain remodel, a deep and true turning away from what is not God. I do NOT want God to take away the desires! Because friend they are good. Not in our sinful lust, but the desire itself is good, a blessing, a gift from God. To ask Him to take it away would be to ask Him to remove a part of Himself. A desire for beauty, deep affection, unity - these are all of God, part of His image He put inside and on us. And that is what we are truly seeking, isn't it? I read in Becoming Unbound that it wasn't the act of masturbation itself that was appealing so much as the chemical high, am I right? Because (Ezra Snyder's words:) men want strength. Masturbation offers an illusion of strength, available any moment when life gets rough. To cope. To release. But immediately and inevitably it flees and leaves us with the reality of what it brings. Shame, loneliness, lack of hope, distance. I was like, "'K. What is the female equivalent?"
And it's to be desired, isn't it?
That's a widely accepted concept: men want strength and respect, a beauty to save, an adventure. Women want love and to be unvieled, to be delighted in and known, cherished. And masturbation offers, for a moment, either a solace or a false replica of these... strength and desirability.
I discovered there is a definite correlation to my sin and a) spiritual warfare b) being worn out and c) feeling unwanted. It can be boys, it can be with friends, it can be in a crowd of strangers, if I don't feel that I am wanted, I may not consciously be aware, but it tips me off. "Triggers" if I may use that word. And I'll need to be on my guard and be sure I'm surrounded by love and prayer.
My friend Ashlyn is a gem. She calls me every so often at night to pray for me. The other night she prayed that I would see how loved I am by others. And when temptation came a little later it's like the Lord used that simple phrase as a shield to swirl around and around my mind: I am loved. I don't have to believe this urge. I am loved.
And that's the key.
You have to believe you can. You have to really believe you can stop.
It might take you a minute. I didn't believe it for a while. Then I did, and didn't again.
But fight to get to where you choose to believe that you can quit. ** Because disclaimer: you can. And there will be a day where you don't think of it ever. "The idea of it was almost comical," said Ezra Snyder. Make your decision, unafraid of if you'll succeed. Decide the direction you're going to go. I'm preaching to myself here. And remind your brain, out loud is fine, "Nope, I can. I want freedom. This is what we've decided, remember?"
Decide.
Because friends we are to throw off our old selves. Every hindrance. And this is a hindrance. You feel it. But let me also encourage you it is not the end of your worth. Your worth is in Jesus and that isn't shaken. Sin in and of itself is a separator between us and God; but as a Believer, God says that nothing can separate you from Him and His love for you. Nothing. As a Believer, your heart, mind, soul, body and will belong to God: return to Him. Surrender these things to Him.
Accept His mercy you so desperately need. I have friends who struggle with "Does God really love me? How can He? I do this."
Yes, yes, yes, He loves you!! I pray you experience that in such a real way. His mercy is for YOU. And you. Can. Change. Believe it. There's Someone greater in you, and you have bigger things ahead.
And if you lose one battle don't hang your head and give up - remember how many you won and keep going. If you don't choose strength, don't lose heart. Get back up and pick up your sword again. I don't want to leave room/space for falling, but as someone who has fallen over and over after hoping I never would again... Keep deciding and keep believing. You go the direction you decide to.
Ask the Holy Spirit to restore you, restore your relationship with the Father. Pray against any agreements you made with sin, come against it by the cross, Blood and resurrection. Own your place in and beside Jesus. Accept His mercy and righteousness as your own. And follow Him.
Follow Him with reckless abandon. Everything is for Him. So trust Him now with this. He is only good and a loving Father, He has not forgotten you. This is a character strengthening opportunity. You're not a failure if you fall. I thought for sure it would effect my ministry, that it would be taken from me because I sinned again. But God turned around and used it that very same day -- my very sin I had just committed-- I confessed to a friend I was wrestling inside and confessed my sin and praised God and shared my story, and God used that very thing as an opportunity to bring light for her and show her how much God loves her. I'm not saying that God willed my sin. I'm saying He's in the business of creation and redeeming
So- It's not an abstract idea where you try to will your behaviors into submission. It's literal, physical, solid. Be washed in the Word, pray with intention, uproot your insecurities. Mine look like these, I'll speak them out, "People tolerate you but you're too much, or worse, not enough." "No matter if you are content, no one else thinks you're desirable *except people you don't want attention from. Other people don't like you." "You are lazy, annoying, childish, weak and incapable of change or strength."
These are deeply rooted lies, I couldn't tell you where they came from except straight from hell. I didn't challenge them, I let them live here and have simply accepted them as fact for a very long time. How do you uproot an insecurity? You challenge it. It's as simple as that. It's a physical change, remember? Remember the integrity of a thought? What you truly believe, your brain will fight to make happen. If you truly believe you will quit masturbating, your brain is going to fight to make that one stronger. That reinforced thought will grow stronger, burrow deeper. So every time you catch yourself, be sure to bring Truth. It's a battle of the mind. You hold the lie up to Truth: "Is this true? Is it lovely? Does it lead me to life, does it lead me to freedom? I'm sorry, brain/sin/urge/desire, this is what I've decided, remember? I can."
It's easier when you know you're loved. So ask God to show you how He loves you. Ask for literal reminders. Ask your friends for help and encouragement. Give your parents a smile and a long hug for no reason. Get with the body of Christ and swap testimonies/encourage each other. Love others well.
Fight the good fight. Don't be discouraged when you fall. You can live for Christ! Lean on Him, not yourself.
I have a Part 3 I'll post soon, as well. Not because you need more words, but there are truths I have learned and hope you'll glean as I have.
Love, Sarah
P.S. This sermon encouraged me this week, I have lots of notes on it, but specifically it just opened my eyes in a new way that it really is all about Jesus. And that that is exciting. That's why this is here haha, it's not that applicable except for the fact that it opened my eyes to everything is about Jesus. This whole series is super good, I listened to it like a year ago but skipped this one lol. Didn't seem as exciting or applicable at the time haha. I was wrong. It's for everybody. So I hope you find some encouragement there.
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